Posted by: guinness222 | October 29, 2006

Life in the fast lane,….sort of!

Well another weekend is winding down, it’s Sunday afternoon, I’m just popping off a blog before I go to the pub and watch a bit of football with my mates.
Here I am 62 years old and I’m becoming a “clothes whore”! I think I’ve spent more on clothes this year than in the last twenty combined!! All of a sudden, (and don’t tell my wife or I’ll have to kill you!), I decided I wanted to look better,…at 62,..for what, to wow the government clerk when I go apply for social security next year?
You’re talking to a “basic dude”here. By that I mean the ultimate in male simplicity in terms of dress. I don’t like jeans, Levi’s, Wranglers, or anyone elses name, sewn across my butt. I’m your basic “tan pants” kind of guy. Call them Khaki’s, Dockers, I don’t care, just light tan slacks. They work in every circumstance (ok, not in “formal”, but you would not want to invite me to one of those things anyhow, I’d be the guy asking for the Guinness, not the “perky little Chardonnay”). Now given the fact that I have at least ten pair of tan pants, oops my mind is beating the inside of my head to say something “pithy”, I can’t hold it back,…it’s forcing it’s power into my arms, down my fingers to the ,…agrrr….,
(ATTENTION: Deep philosophical questions here: Why do they refer to pants as a “pair”, and it ain’t because it has two legs, and then why are they called “slacks”? Twelve “kudo’s” to anyone with a good answer. Later we’ll deal with the “Why” when men and women can both wear “slacks”, but men can only wear “pants” while women call them “Capri’s”, “Toreadors”, and a number of other things besides “pants”!)
OK, I re-gained control from that little wise-ass. Now moving on to the rest of the wardrobe. Fifty “kudo’s” for anyone that can name a single above the waist garment that will not go with tan pants! Male or female everything goes with Tan pants! A formal tuxedo shirt, a ratty old tee, a designer golf or polo shirt, an old football uniform jersey, even the old “wife-beater” shirts work! So there you have it. Tan pants and whatever has the least amount of wrinkles on top, “voila”, and a guy is “good to go”.
Ok, at the risk of offending women, besides a ratty old set of (tennis, running, walking, etc) shoes, a pair of loafers, and some “Birkies” why would there be a need for anything else on my feet?
And to top off the “ensemble de jour” of course a baseball cap, but not necessarily of a baseball nature. A lot of guys (yup me too!) have vast collections of them. Everytime I go somewhere I gotta buy a souvenier hat to take home. I may never ever wear it again in my life, but I gotta buy it for that day, in that place, at that time. (I think there is a clause in the United States Constitution about the “inalienable right for guys to have favorite hats”, or maybe it was the Bill of Rights or the Magna Carta,…hmmm, I’l have to look that up.)
OK now for Mr. Guinness’s pet peeves in life, (relative to clothing that is, we’ll deal with my other “peeves” another time!)
#! Girls, “birds”, women, or any other term you want to use, look absolutely marvelous in anything they wear. (Alright, it’s a very broad, (no pun intended), even collossal generalization, but more generally truer than falser) ANYTHING that is EXCEPT “ball caps”. In my entire 62 years on this earth I can only recall about four women who actually looked good in a ball cap. (Sorry Ladies, but the truth shall set you free!) I don’t know if it’s the “way” you wear them, the way you adjust them, or if you were all just were born with wierd heads!! Now as I said I really appreciate the female of our species, but so far as ball caps are concerned don’t do it ladies, we know how dorky they are on women! Don’t believe me, then ask a few of your male acquaintances to be brutally honest with you and tell you if you look good in a “ball cap”. If they move their lips, they are lying! If they say something like “Honey, I’d love to see you in just a ball cap.” Slap them alongside the head and go out and ask a stranger. If they say you look great in one then tell them you’re entering a contest for best looking female in a ball cap, and I’ll bet they try and talk you out of it (that’s true love!). And if they say they “really would rather not comment” either marry them, or send them to Lucy for they are the proverbial honest man!

Ok, stop seething and wanting to pull my tonsils out through your computer moniter, guys also PISS ME OFF when they don’t “work the bill”(Brim) of a ball cap. Have you ever seen anything more dumb than a ball cap with a perfectly flat “brim”? It looks like you just got popped off the latest assembly line for a Plutonian impression of a “humanoid”. Roll them brims guys, it’s your trademark!
I was going to stop here and go watch the game and have a couple pints, but the “backwards thing” on ball caps just clicked on in my head, and I can’t stop, I gotta throw my two cents worth in. The ONLY human beings on this earth who have a God given right to wear ball caps backwards are farmers and field hands, (or “rednecks”, a now derogatory term relative to the crude, rude, neanderthal, primary number of braincells collectively held by the family, folks of this world. BUT, it didn’t used to be that way! “Redneck was a good term used for those hard-working people who worked in the fields every day and the “sunburn” on the back of thier neck. DUH!, I guess that’s why there are no “rednecks” in the big cities, or other bastions of “highly evolved social behavior and grace”. Or are they simply better educated and politically correct?) And of course there is the group who must be “different” and rather than 180 degrees turned, opt for the 30 to 45 degree angle. Now how dumb is that?
How did I get here? Damn, I must be ranting!
Anyone got a drop dead, killer, beef stew recipe? Let me know. And have a great week, back at you mid-week for sure!


  1. Enjoy the football game, Mr. G! And I hope you have a great week!

    My dad wears a hat every. single. day.

    You forgot to mention that not only do MOST females (myself excluded, of course, haha) not look good in ball caps; there is a CARDINAL RULE about NEVER touching a man’s hat. The quickest way to piss them off is knock it off their heads or adjust the straps on it or just grab it from the tops of their head to admire it/put it on yourself/etc.

    We used to do that to the “cute boys” when we were in elementary school. We stopped doing it when we realized that boys don’t have cooties and uhm, the inside of their hats are really nasty if you ever take the time to look at them. They’re on top of the head for 8-12hrs a day. Guys sweat a lot. ‘Nuff said.

    Now that I’ve spammed your comments box, I’ll go back to my original, “Have a great week, Mr.G!” and post this.

  2. Princess,
    You’ve made my week!
    Mr. G.
    (Now I know what “the other side” was thinking!)

  3. With hair as thick and curly as mine I like wearing baseball caps purely to get the damned hair off my face.

    And only because i’m not going to post a photo here so you can tell me how bad I look (:P) I’m going to keep wearing them…..

    So there..


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