Posted by: guinness222 | January 27, 2007

Where have I been,…what have I been doing??

God, just happened to be on the ‘puter and noticed I haven’t written in a couple of weeks! Where have I been and what am I doing to have denied the world my wry and sage pile of shit to guide thier lives! Have no fear, for as my buddy Jack (Nicholson that is) says,….”I’mmmmm back!”
First of all to my friend Lucy enjoying the sun and beaches while I suffer through our “winter” (it’s ONLY going to be 53 today, where is my fur coat and gloves!). Ok we neeed to cut a deal here. First you want Eliot, now I’m hearing rumblings about Denozo! Ok I’ll settle for Catherine, Olivia, and throw in the Mossad chic since she’ll have no one to beat on if you grab Denozo. Do we have a deal?
And to princess a/k/a/ Amber,don’t worry about your sister on the beach, only the crazies from Minnasota and Canada think it’s warm enough for that here. I live in a place called Destin (between Pensacola and Panama City) and those folks are the only ones to be seen in hot tubs and heated pools. (Oooh, oh! Evil thoughts entering my sick mind; perhaps if I turn the temp up on the hot tub high enough I can “boil” a few, or like we locals are so fond of saying, “If it’s snowbird season how many can I bag?”)
“Snowbird” – a subspecies from the American and Ontario provice of Canada. Fond of stealing salt and pepper shakers, packets of sugar and equal, ordering one meal and an extra plate, Academy Award acting skills “Oh, you mean I can get 2 dozen raw oysters on the half shell for only 99 cents,….oh how wonderful I didn’t know that!” (Maybe that’s because your mind is shot, and you’ve said the same thing everyday for the past six weeks when you come in strangely only between 5 pm and 6pm when the Oyster special is on!!) Usually of the higher end “senior citizen” level i.e. over 72 years old. Able to do thier own cooking channel show called “Dining for 32 cents a month,…everywhere we go!” or “secrets for free meals”
“Waiter, I hate to bother you, but this fried fish is so greasy it’s making me nauseous, I think it may be undercooked or something, do we have to pay for this?”
Waiter Cha-che: “Well of course not the entire thing, I can understand that sir, now, let me see, 96% of the fried fish is eaten, all the salad and breadsticks, oh and there was that second order of crackers and butter, not to mention the half eaten potato that was undercooked as well and you sent back and we replaced with the whole new one, which by the way is also missing from the plate, including it’s skin, …hmmmm, with the adjustment for the Ketchup you mixed with the complimentary four or five glasses of water you asked for during your meal, ah, the tabasco sauce you also threw in with the Ketchup and water, salt and pepper, ….I can adjust your bill by $0.16, and of course that will include the reduction in the meals tax as well. Oh,…and the only favor I would ask is please don’t leave the pennies as a tip, the two dimes and the nichol ok, and if you should drop a Quarter in for my attention to the detail of your dining experiance with us I would be most appreciative.
“Thank you waiter,….you’ve been so kind. Oh one more thing do you have about a dozen of those packets with the moist towelette in it, my fingers feel so greasy and those little things are so tiny!”
“But of course, I’ll be right back with your change.”

Multiply that scenario by 50 per night and that’s snowbird season. And they bug the shit out of me in my job managing property as well.
As God is my judge, yesterday I get a call from one (Ontario province of course) telling me she lost $1.25 in the washing machine and wanted a refund immediately. I explained I would most likely be over on Monday or Tuesday and would give her the money back at that time, nice and friendly, smile in my voice, etc. THEN she says, “And what about last year, I lost another $1.25 last year, and no one gave me a refund, I want that back Monday too!!” (So I have $2.50 in quarters festering in our cat’s litter box this weekend and I’ll see she gets her $2.50 in quarters back on Monday! Is that prompt and efficient service or what?
And the pool temperature nazi’s are all over the place.
“You advertised this pool was heated, and it’s not I want a reduction in my rates, we came down here because you said it was heated, I don’t want to have to call my attorney about false advertising and a consumer rip-off so you better do something for us!”
“Sir it is heated, we keep the pool at 79 degrees, the acknowledged standard by the American Red Cross for heating pools yet controlling bacterial growth”
“I don’t give a shit we want it up to 90 degrees, my wife has arthritis and that makes it feel better.”
“That’s why we have a hot tub sir, have her try that.”
“That little thing is so tiny she can’t swim in it, it’ll only accomdate four people all sitting still.”
” Sir the additional costs of heatin the water to those levels you’ve indicated are extremely expensive and we can not afford it based on the rates you are paying. In fact sir I would be more than happy to refund your $600 for the remaining two months of your stay with us and give you the opportunity to seek other lodging with wamrer pools.”
“What are you a smart ass! I ain’t going some where else, the prices at the other places is almost 50% higher than here.”
“Then sir I strongly suggest you shut the hell up or I’ll turn the heat up so high this place will be the scene of the Coast’s largest Boiled dinner and the cannibal “bubba’s” from neighboring states will be raving about the spread for years to come! Oh, and have a nice day! 🙂
Aaaah! I guess I can but dream, but there’s only 60 days left until they all fly north again to pester the shit out of thier own families and friends who can’t afford to escape and be “troll trainees”
‘ave a ruddy nice day, hey what,,….y’all!


  1. Hey Mr. G!

    It’s about time you updated!! I was starting to wonder if something had happened to ya…

    Thanks for the comforting words about the beach. However, we might as well be from Minnesota with as cold as it’s been here, lol. She texted me earlier and is having a blast! So that’s good at least :).

    Glad to see you’re update! Take care of yourself :).

  2. See the fact that you chose Olivia means you have excellent taste Alec.

    And I guess because you said so I’ll take Denozo and Elliot.

    I mean just to be fair.

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