Posted by: guinness222 | August 17, 2007

Drug interactions, pizza, and looking through "slits"

Ok, really scary title, but here goes. let me hook it all together for you.
About two or three years ago I went for my annual physical, everything was ok, but you know the Doc has the usual, “Well, everything looks good but I’d like to run a couple tests to establish some baselines on you.” (Translation from Dr. speak; “How am I going to make any money if you’re fine? Let’s see if we can find anything like a wart on you appendix, a Jerry Garcia tie collage in your colen, or maybe a Timex in your stomach that we can call a “murmur”,…shall we?”)
Well I too can play that game, (“Yeah sure Doc,…and by the way my psoriasis is kickin’ up a bit on my face, got a few creams or lotions you can write that will cover it?” Yeah sure, let me write you a perscription.”) So he writes a script, I agree to get some “cardiac baseline crap done, and we both leave happier, me with some stuff for my scaly skin, him with several hundred more in fee recovery from the Insurance carrier. A “win-win” for everyone!
Long story short he runs my ass on a treadmill, has this big burly guy standing beside me to catch me when I collapse, a nurse for another $50 for a couple of hours billing, and a Cardiologist whose entire vocabulary consists of “Hello, I’m Doctor (mumble,mumble, mumble.” and dozens of assorted inflection and duration, “Hmmm”‘s. Me I go to the drug store and get my cream. The stuff works like a dream and poof, 24 hourslater I’m back to my full non-scaly Ricardo Montleban/Harrison Ford image.
So last year I go back again, hit him for a re-fill script, agree to the dreaded “colonoscopy” (don’t even ask, but if threatened with “doin’ time my one call is to Jack Kevorkian!)
Onward we go. About two or three months ago, after a couple of years of using this “foam” called Olux, the psoriasis began to come back faster, and more agressively than ever before, pretty soon I was using it every day, all over my face. I went to the local GP(general practitioner) who gave me this shampoo and told me use it on my face and that I had a form of seborrea. Well two days later my face is beet red, it feels like someone peeled all the skin off without any anesthetic, and shaving was like torture! (You will tell us everything or we will pull another fingernail out of your writing hand,…Infidel!”) So I called the real dermatologist,…time to get a pro involved. “Certainly sir, we can see you in ,..oh,…about three months from tomorrow,…ok?” (So much for a medical practice of “non-fatal” things like acne, “zits’, rashes, and warts,….do I smell a cushy nine to five, Monday thru Friday gig here? Oh well, Mom always said I should have been a Doctor!)
So here we are a couple weeks ago and I go to this guy. By now I’m runing real low on my “wonder drug” Olux, and every day it’s like Jack Nicholson time when I look in the mirror, “I’mmmmmm back!”. So after a few basic questions, looking at my face like it was a rare work of art by DaVinci with these glasses with the little jeweler thingies glued to the lenses, and never even laying a finger on me, he turns, begins typing into a laptop computer furiously, and “zones out” for a while. Then he turns to me and says, “I’d like to take a biopsy.” (Aside from the “turn your head and cough” or the “turn around and bend over” that’s the other little phrase I don’t want to hear. My stupid little brain substitutes a “d” for a “b”, no way I want a “di-opsy”, emphasis on the first syllable. But what choice do I have?
“Are you taking any steroids”, he asks. “Not me, only my little “wonder drug” Olux here.” , again he looks up from the laptop, “For how long now?” says he. “Oh,…let me see, I guess about two years now.”says I.
“Well that explains it, Olux is a steroid. You appear to be having a severe steroid abuse reaction”
“So what does that mean?”
“Well the good news is I can cure it, …but I still want to do a biopsy just to be sure.”
(ATTENTION FOLKS – that’s the little Cherry on the Ice Cream Sunday extra “perk” billing bump, also known as the “we need to run a couple of tests” OR “Let’s see if I can bump this fifteen minutes up to the ‘$5,000 an hour’ level. Doctor needs a new pair of shoes!)
So a week later he tells me I am having this “severe Steroid reaction” and the are some “fungal issues” as well, he prescribes some stuff, I go to the pharmacy he’s called it in to, and pick it up. It’s one toothpaste size tube of another one of those 24 letter names on it, with instructions to apply liberally twice a day for “fungal” growth eradication”!
Now I’m a week into this shit,(I even read all the fine print with a magnifying glass on the little piece of papyrus that comes stuffed in the box. “Good for jock itch, athlete s foot, and” a bunch of other stuff I don’t think I really need to know about in latin.
Sounds like I wiped my face with my underwear and then dryed it with my socks!! EEEEOOOWWW!
Opening my eyes in the morning now requires physically reaching up and doing it, peering through the “slits” that they open too, and now the whole damn face looks like a salt shaker was used to season it, what with the little white dots of hundreds of dead skin cells. (Normally I guess you’d call it “peeling”, except it’s like thousands of individual cells dying off.)
It looks like a “chemical peel” undr that, and I’m getting extremely tired of the “Boy see you’ve been out in the sun, you really ought to use a sun blocker” remarks. (I don’t do Sun,..period!)
So I’ve called the old dermatologist and am waiting for him to call and tell me what to expect. Should I go out and buy some duct tape incase the whole damn nose drops off, or maybe to hold the ears on, or better yet a “goalies” mask. Imagine walking into the Pub sitting down with a mask on on a Friday evening in the Southern United States. DAMN almost every redneck here is “packin'” shit the things I’ll do to get a good pint of Guinness!
More later,….no back to your regular duties folks.

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