Posted by: guinness222 | August 1, 2008

Help me out here, wise readers!

Woke up this morning to the results of a new CNN/Opinion Research Corp. Poll showing 24% of our fellow Countrymen (oops! “Countrypeople” ) have a positive outlook for our country. It also says 76% “say things are on the wrong track”. It goes on to point out “Only three events–Watergate, the Iran hostage situation, and the (love the shit out of this term) ‘economic downturn” of 1992 have driven the people poll below 30% “everything gonna be all right”.
Now I can undestand those numbers , in that this is an election year, hell if the Pope had to run for re-election every four years he’d get smeared pretty badly as well. (“Pope’s position on stem cell research opposed by 83.7% of Roman Catholics”)
Well get the fuck over it folks, in less than a hundred days they’ll be a new clown to kick around for four years (just hide your money in socks in the back yard, lock up your women, and buy extra bullets to hold off the taxman 🙂 and that’s regardless of whoever wins)
The poll also says 77% of us disapprove of how Congress is handling things as well. No big surprise there,…I did think it would be closer to 90% however. Well in my world, that of rational, intelligent, business,…well if 77% of your customers don’t like what you are doing, fold up the tent Omar, we’re movin’ on to another country. But I forgot this is Congress, they really don’t give a shit what we think,….because they are “Congressmen” (no politically correct slip there. There is no such thing as a “Congresswoman” you reach up that skirt you will indeed find a set of brass balls, after all they are “Congressmen”
I want to be a different kind of “Congressman” so vote for me “Mr. Guinness for Congress”. All sessions of Congress will move to the Pub, and all Congressmen will have to drink beer, none of that fancy foo-foo shit like “Cosmopolitans” and the like. Two buttons will be installed on the bar in front of each Congressmen, one says “YES” the other says “NO”. Above each stool is a red flashing light the switch to turn that on or off is in the hands of the Bartenders. The Criteria is simple, if the Bartender thinks they are casting the wrong vote, or just plain “overserved” (two conditions Congress knows intimately), they flip the switch. That nullifies the vote. Three flashing red lights in a week and you are impeached, and the last person who ran against you and lost is automatically elected to replace you. (Now we’ll see who’s right during the campaign about what they will do if elected!)
Oh yeah, couple of new rules. a “Pee test” is required to be taken by every Congressman, oh what the hell throw in the Senators as well, before every vote. The old Congressional Cloak Room will now be re-named to be the “Pissometer Alcove”. The results of the “Piss test” will be fed into the computer prior to voting, and anyone who fails the test will have no electricity running to their voting buttons, either one yes or no (If I wouldn’t let a friend drive under the influence why the hell would I let a Congressman, or Senator vote while they were under the influence? (Just because a number of them do now,…well, we’re changing that now!) I haven’t decided whether to install step down transformers and re-route the electricity to the seat portion of their chairs yet. We’ll see how the “piss test” works first.
Oh and at the end of the elected term of office the Von Trapp Family Singers will wind their way through the halls of Congress and the Senate, accompanied by Navy Seals and Marines. They will be singing, “So long, farewell, Auf weidersen, Adeiu, Good bye, Good bye to you and you and you” outside each outgoing Congressman or Senator. Three seals and/or Marines (depending on the level of violence expected) will “cuff and gag” “The Honorable Congressman or Senator from whereever, stick an all expense paid “red-eye” ticket in their pocket and turn them over to a representative of Yellow Cab for immediate delivery to the nearest Airport waiting area!
Well since we are really a republic, although we think it’s a democracy, I open the floor up to any other “changes” my wise readers think would help get our countrys “On Track ” rating back into the 95th percentile.


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