Posted by: guinness222 | August 2, 2008

Where’s my mantra and pills?

I hate to say it, but is it too late for me to run for President myself? I’ve already picked my running mate and my cabinet which I’ll tell you about in a minute, and I will lay out a platform, clearly, in simple words, (English of course!), and if you aren’t happy with my first 90 days in office I’ll resign! Now hows that for an unbeatable offer.

First my running mate, someone as honest as the day is long, as smart as a whip, who has been totally untainted by any political process,….ever. Ladies and Gentlemen Robert Zimmerman of Minnasota. You probably know him better as Bob Dylan. I can imagine no more eloquent spokesman for our country, and I support his first legislative initative of a bong in every home. You really don’t need the “chicken in every pot”, that was what started us on this road to socialism in the first place! You want to eat, get out there and grow it, nurse it, raise it, harvest it, or shoot it, and then cook it, or gnaw on it! It ain’t fast food but once you figure it out you got it made for life, you’ll never grow hungry again, plus you might even enjoy that stuff they call “fresh air”. A few hits on the bong after work and you will figure out a better way to skin a cat, and if any of them PETA folks object they’ll be cited for interfering with creativity and helping your government grow this country with new ideas and methods.

Now for my cabinet;
Secretary of State – Jay Leno. I think if anyone can show these other half assed third world clowns how really stupid they are it’s Jay. All meetings would begin with a ten minute monologue by Sectreary Jay, and then Jay would go from there. Like right after his China Monalogue he would sit down with whoever the chief clown is and chit chat for five minutes and introduce his special guest for the meeting, the Dali Llhama of Tibet.
Secretary of Defense – Bill Murrey. I can not tell you how impressed I was at his boldness, his tactical moves, and his drilling right down to the core of the problem with the Armed Forces in “Stripes”. That’s the man we need to get back to basics that were fun for everyone and worked
Secretary of the Interior – I’m doing away with this one. That’s all we need is a whole department of Interior decorators running around putting pink ruffles on the shades at the White house. Forget it, that ones out,…Hey Bobbo, do a quick check and see how much we saved the tax-payers on that will ya’?
Secretary of the Treasury – Donald Trump. That man knows money, he’s the everready bunny of bounce back. I can’t wwait to see him wipe out the national debt by selling shares to the Saudis and telling them it’s the bid fees for a new project he’s doing, Way to go Donny, …oh could you tone down the “You’re fired!”, at least until the whole national debt is gone.
Secretary of Homeland Security – That would be a shared post by the entire Lawrence Welk Orchestra. They will be a member every foot of the way around our entire country’s perimeter, and Myron Floren will be transported to any hot spots with his accordian to get things back in line. There will be no more waterboarding, but prisoners will be required to listen to 14 hours of Lennon Sisters CD’s a day until they confess.
Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare – Well why bother with one? I don;t see MacDonalds serving celery sticks or carrots, and sure as shit no one gives a damn about learning anything any more, and damn with all those folks specializing in Welfare, hell just ask them how it works and they’ll share it with you, there’s ton’s of money to go around.
Attorney General – no need. You break a law it had to be in one of the states, let them take care of it, and the rest of them can sign on to share costs if they want a piece of the action.
Secretary of Agriculture – Again, we don’t need one. Farmers know what they are doing why muck it up with subsidies and reegulations and all that crap. Keep up the good work boys!
Secretary of Commerce _ Now this one’s a joke! Business is gonna do what business does, and we don’t need a bunch of Harvard dudes telling them how to make money, they already know that, and all we do is handcuff them. I know, I know, what about commerce over seas? Let them figure it out. If their prices and good are fair and good, we’ll buy ’em, and if they won’t buy our shit, well we shut ’em off like a light bulb!
Secretary of Labor – that slot goes to Jimmy Hoffa’s replacement. Get them folks workin’ payem fair, give ’em pensions and goals to look forward to and don’t skim a dime or I’ll personally get you a new pair of cement overshoes, gotit?
Secretary of Housing and Urban developemt – no way, you’re the assholes who fell asleep at the wheel and got us where we are today. You are all,…Hey Donald, how’s this,….You’re fired, pack your shit and get out of our country!
Secretary of Energy – T Boone Pickens – make it happen man we’ve always had a bunch of whimps running that slot, go give’em hell!
Secretary of Transportation – To James Zeimer. Current President of Harley Davidson, does that boy no how to build something that lasts and folks love? I rest my case, plus we can cut down on highway costs by simply laying down extra stripes in the road and turning a four lane road into a sixteen lane “bike road! (Maybe “A Harley in every garage” would work,…hmmm)
Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs – that would be “Stormin’ Norman Swartzkoff. (We stole that title “veterans affairs” from the Jihad boys. Their Secretary of Veterans Affairs was supposed to handle getting all the 72 virgins per martyr lined up, but he pushed the wrong button one day and ,…well we want Stormin’ Norman taking care of our boys, he won’t screw up and he’ll stand up and yell if he has to.
You got anyone else you want to nominate, you know me, I’m open minded,…well sorta, regardless of what my wife says!



  1. Ya, make me secretary of the Treasury. Soon.

  2. Ya got my vote, dude. But if Storming Norman is busy, how ’bout Ollie North? He is one bad ass, devil dog Marine.

  3. Good Blog!
    I like Harley Davidson too.
    It is classic motorcycle.

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