Posted by: guinness222 | August 18, 2008

Dear Wife, here’s what the Doc said,…sorry!

   Discretion being the better part of valor I thought I’d Blog my Doctors findings on my health to credible witnesses rather than go home and get beaten about the head and shoulders, and physically maimed by the wife first. I’ve chosen to do this in a letter to be, published here, in the blog for the whole world to see and that way it can be used in evidence, if necessary.

      Honey (term of endearment for the wife),

            The Doc says I’m good, everything going in the right direction, my dietary plan (Fried foods, spaghetti, potatoes, bread, and NO vegatables, washed down with copious amounts of Guinness and one, yes only one, albeit 16 ounce, glass of red wine in the evening, for the heart) is working. The cholesterol is overall 194, but the HDL (good stuff). was less than 100, and the LDL (bad stuff) was 57.  He did express some concern about me consuming useless “nutritional” liquids, like water, unless it were being used as a medium for coffee or tea.

        Apparently there are these things called “good cholesterol” and “bad cholesterol” but he said don’t worry about them, mine are almost too low to count, but some additional hot dogs, suasages, baloney, salammi etc. would not hurt me, but not more than three dogs a day, heavy on the mustard, and make sure the bun is grilled to burn out the calories from the sugar in them.

       We talked about an exercise program, but neither one of us could come up with anything that was appealing to me, except the “Pub Elbow Curls”, and since I was asked not to enter this catagory at the Olympics in Beijing because much like that swimmer Phelps and his eight gold medals, no one else would stand a chance against me! He suggested walking more, and I agreed, so beginning this afternoon I promised him to park my car at least seven parking spaces away from Buster’s front door, even though it means giving up my reserved parking space near the “Handicap” parking space, (but closer than the Handicap one). I’m willing to make this sacrifice for you darling, becasue I know you want me around longer with you.

         The subject of my Liver came up, and something he called the “Liver enzymes”, he said he didn’t know what I was doing but I had the liver enzymes of a “Pre-college student”. He was impressed with that as he said most old guys who drink a lot of beer have serious problems with liver enzymes. I told him I believed in all things in moderation, and I never, ever have more beer that it takes to get a “buzz on”, I’m not a lush, you know?

      He said the lab had a hard time with my “White Blood Cell Count” the comment from the tech was that it looked more like ” a Pale Ale” than white, but he said no worries, no sign of leukemia.

      He said I might, just might, have to add a lower sugar beer to my regimen, becasue the “Hemoglobin A1c” was runnig boarderline for diabetic. I told hi that was your fault. Since your cat got diabetes and I’m stuck every morning “shooting him up” with insulin some of that stuff is getting on my hands, but I promised to wash better and if they have any samples in his office, I even agreed to wear the rubber gloves when I shoot up the cat now. (Hell have to get back to me on the free gloves, he said they gotta pay for them the drug salesmen don’t give ’em away.)

        He did ask that I don’t gloat. He said that you’re family factors are hereditary, but I said, “Well so are mine too!” He told me I didn’t understand and did the example of the natural immunity created by generations of the “Irish Virus” versus all the great Polish food your family makes.

       I told him I understood, “You know when we first got married Doc, her Mom and her grand mother and Aunts and Uncles made the best polish food you could imaginge, I loved it, but you know time goes on, they all died and now no one knows how to make that stuff anymore, Thank God Arthur P. Guinness had the foresight to pass the recipe for Guinness down to his kids, and them to theirs, or the same thing could have happened to the Irish. You know Doc, you never know when it’s your time, but as long as we know what time the Pub opens,well the Irish will prevail.”

       (In all honesty, and to you my readers,….Phew! Dodged the bullet again, but gotta go back in December to see if we can drop the Blood Pressure Medicine all together. That makes today an early happy hour day!)


  1. You sound pretty health to me. Here’s to ya! GULP, GULP, GULP…BUURRRRPPPPP! Sorry, gotta go pee.

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