The Emerald Rose

      Actually two missions, first I have a guy coming over this morning to get me a price on putting this new 3M “film” on all my windows, glass doors, etc. It is rated to withstand 130 mile an hour winds as well as significantly cut the UV rays by 77% (keeps drapes, rugs, etc. from fading) and also reduces the heat transferred through the glass into the house by 80% or so.

      The only requirement I have is that it does not make it “dark” inside the house (he assures me they have a clear film) , and that it does not make my townhouse “stick out” with “funky looking windows” ( The Owners Association Nazi’s will take me away and shove bamboo sticks under my fingernails, and attach electric ,………never mind, just run-a-way imagination) I am looking for some type of product like this for both my own home as well as a few of my Condo’s that I manage. They have a window blow in, well it could be a couple days until we could get to it and seal things up, and you don’t want to know what 80-100 mile an hour winds and driving rain can do if given an opening into the house! Think Jack in the Beanstalk Giant Ogre with entire house in his hand yelling “Come on seven!” and slinging the house against the wall, it is not a pretty picture, now imagine it going on for a day or two! Yeech!! Let you know how that works out. The last “big one” we boarded up with plywood, it felt like we were the new residents of the Crypt-Keepers place, plus you can’t see shit! Tht was worse than the light depravation. Like being a little kid again in the bedroom at night with all the lights out! “What was that?” “A freaky huge nasty monster that eats little children,…that’s all. Ha,ha,ha,ha!”

      Now on to mission #2. I’m leading an organized effort to get my hands on “Lays (The potato chip dudes) Zesty Herb & Parmasan Cracker Crisps”. They are a 12 on the 1-10 junk, snack, “gotta have some more” scale! Now I’m not a snack food junkie, rarely eat chips, and NEVER popcorn, triscuits or any of those other little cracker thingys. Peanut Butter on Ritz or Townhouse crackers is as good as it gets,….until I found these “Zesty Herb & Parmasan Cracker Crisps” ,….only one problem. The only size I’ve found them in is the little “throw it in the kids lunch box” size. 1 and 1/8 ounce(31.8g) (for you metric based folks I’m not smart enough to convert it, but this was what was printed beside the American weight on the package)

       They are “tres’ cool”, and tat great. Sure they aren’t no-fat, no-salt, no sugar, no-nothing pieces of decorated cardboard (for which we worship at the altar of “Thin and Healthy”, but damn it they are good and like cuzzin’ Orville from ‘Bama would say, “I gotta get me some more of them,…git out my way Yankee!”

     First a quick shave and shower, then I’ll put on my best whiney, pesty, pain in the ass voice and call the “Questions or Comments”  telephone number on the back of the pack. (The only place I have been able to find them is a local Submarine Sandwich Franchise called “Quizno’s”, and I ‘m sure they think I’m batty as shit because I walk in, scoop about six or eight little packets of them, go right by the delicious sandwich counter, right past the delicious mouth watering smells of the soup section, past the chocolate Chip cookies and 27 million different cola’s tea’s and flavored water section, and just buy these stinkin’ little bags of “Lays Zesty Herb & Parmasan Cracker Crisps” ( The clerks are always leery and try and get me processed and out of the store as quickly as possible. I think they may fear me to be the Dustin Hoffman character on “Rainman”,….”Judge Wappner’s coming on, Judge Wappner, yes, Judge Wappner. Having no other frame of reference they don’t want a meltdown on their shift, you know?)

      Damn, just talking about this is making me drool all over the key board, so it’s the drool not the lack of “spell-checker” causing this primative post. Well guess I’ll have to shower, shave, get dressed, and blow dry the keyboard, catch you later. 🙂

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