The Emerald Rose

     Now don’t get me wrong, but the medical profession needs to learn some manners. In fact a lot of manners.

     For example, I used to be a heavy smoker (2 to 3 packs of Menthols a day) but I quit, “cold turkey” about three years ago. (Still get urges, and like I told the wife, if I’m diagnosed with anything “terminal”, you’ll know because my first stop after I leave the Doc is to buy a pack of cigarettes. I LIKED smoking!) Anyway, the Doc had asked me to get a Chest X-ray before my next physical, and the blood tests and all theother stuff. Well, the Chest X-ray slipped my mind, so when I went in for the Annual he reminded me. Something about still having an “elevated risk level” for up to five years after quitting. So I said ok.

     Two days later I go down get the X-ray, and then go on about my business and didn’t think much of it. Well that was like August 20th, and now it’s September 15th. Last week I got one of those “EOB” (“explanation of benefits”) things in the mail. Normally I just give them to my wife because they piss me off (Why do I owe money if I have insurance? I thought that was the point, pay for the insurance and they pay the bills. DUH!). But this one I glanced at and I see this has a date of service of 8/20/2008, and shows a fee for an X-ray of $68.00 but an “amount paid” of $42, and the “Patient Owes” “0”. Now if that ain’t “fuzzy math” I don’t know what is, but that’s for another blog. Under that was another line item for one “Dr. Charles J. Swingbopper” (names changed to protect the innocent) and a fee of about $150, which was paid in the amount paid column of “$127.49” and in the “Patient Owes” column was “$12.58” . (WTF?) I guess this is so far beyond “fuzzy math”  we can call it “furry math”! But I’m not going to dwell on that, (and neither am I writing this dude a check for “$12.58”!) What I want to know is who the hell is he in the first place?

    My wife surmises this is the Doc who “reads” the X-rays, and his fee. (Let’s be honest here how long does it take to “read” and X-ray? “Yup big black mass of “stuff” and I don’t have a freakin’ clue what it is, send the patient for a biopsy, and bill ’em $150.00″, or “Nope don’t see nothin’, bill ’em anyway Dan O”. I bet he could “read” a shit load of X-rays in an hour, at $150 bucks a pop, and no house calls! Damn I found another job I should have checked out on career day.

       So that issue is all done. It makes sense he read the X-rays and sent a report of something to my Doc,…….but that was a month ago! Having a VERY fertile imagination I have to deduce one of two things are happening.

      First the report to my Doc either said, “Oh shit he’s cooked, be gone in a month, don’t tell him he’ll just waste the time in worry.” OR,

     Secondly, “Nothin’ Zip, Zero, Nada, he’s good to go”

     Either way I, as the involved SOB, …oops, “patient”, would like to know! So I called last week, no answer yet, so I just called again and got “The Doctor’s nurse is busy with a patient right now, can I get you’re number and have her call you back?”

     Frankly I don’t give a shit if it’s the night Janitor that calls me back as long as all he says is, “Beuenos noches Senor, Mr. Doctor, he asked me to tell you that you all good to go on the “Hex-ray” Amigo. Adios.” Or maybe even the receptionist, or the patient waiting in the lobby for their appointment that’s got time on their hands and is bored,…..just call me,…..someone!

     Like that’s de-ja -vu of being a kid and you’re Mother says something like, “Just wait until you’re Father gets home!”. Sort of screws up the rest of your day right?

     Well got to go, waiting for a phone call,….you know?

   P.S. Receptionist just called “I’m good to go” she says, and me? Well I can’t resist it so I said, “Really? Damn and I was just sitting here outside the bank pulling the panty-hose mask over my face to “make a withdrawal” you know? I figured it must be pretty bad if it takes this long to tell me, and I wanted to make sure my wife had some money to take care of the cats after I,….well you know.”  She did not appreciate my sense of humor! Tough Shit!!

-30-