The Emerald Rose

  Yup! That’s what I saw.  But let me back up a bit. Had to get up at 4am today to shower shave and take my wife to the airport in Pensacola (about 1.5 hour drive one way) for a 7a.m. flight to Atlanta, and then on to Las Vegas. She’s meeting her sister who is flying into Vegas from Boston and then meet up later today.  “Thelma and Louise” are going to see Cirque D’soleil tonight, crash for a few hours at the Sahara, and head out in the morning via rental car to Heber City Utah, which is right outside Park City Utah. (Place they had the Winter Olympics a few years ago, and NO they are not competing in the $5,000 Shopping Classic. They are going to see our new Grandaughter, Anastasia who is about seven weeks old now.

       (Being a crusty old geezer when she asked me if I wanted to come I replied, “Why? The kids sent us pictures of her, she’s got two arms, two legs, a head, and looks like all the other baby pictures I’ve ever seen, the last thing they need with a brand new baby, and their first I might add, (our second grandaughter, the older one, is Morgan who’s now 16)), is a house full of company. I can’t take her out for a Pint o’ Guinness for a few more years, she’s not big enough to reach the pedals and be my designated driver, and she hasn’t learned how to flatter “Grampa” and get whatever you want,….yet. I want to give her a chance to become her own person then I can deal with her.” That was met with the usual, “That figures!” I tried valiantly to redeem myself using logic and reason. “Look, Jay, our son, has to work, that leaves you , your sister, and Maria (daughter-in-law) and we all know I fit into that sewing circle of chit chat like a square peg in a round hole,…so I’ll just be paying all that money to get there just to sit in a chair, drink beer and watch TV,….I could do that at home, save the money for her college fun (brilliant ad lib stroke I thought), and you would not feel uncomfortable with me having nothing to do.” A thoughtful moment, and then, “Well , when you put it that way, ok. You can stay home. But wouldn’t you like to see Vegas?” I countered with, “Honey, you want to turn me loose in Vegas? Think about that.” So here I am driving her to the Airport at 5:15 am. It’s still dark, virtually no cars on the road, with the sun not up yet the A/C in the car is frosting the windshield so I have to turn it off.

      “Are we running a little behind?” she says. “No , we’re fine.” says Cap’t Kirk, “But I’ll kick it into warp drive just to be sure.” Well we get there in an hour and 15 minutes, 45 minutes ahead of her flight, I give her a hug and a kiss, jump back in the “Loading and Unloading Zone” as “Super-rent-a-cop” starts heading my way to tell me to move the vehicle.

       So I head back to home. Now there is a bridge, about two miles long that crosses over Pensacola Bay. So as I’m approaching the bridge, this big white SUV/Pick-up comes off the bridge and does a U-turn and gets back on, on my side of the road about 50 yards in front of me! “Idiot, what the hell is he doing making an illegal U-Turn at the end of the bridge for? Probably forgot his coffee cup on the counter at the house and is going back for it.”

       So I back off a bit and let this yahoo go. He drives along for a bit, (sun is just coming up, only three of us on the bridge, me, him, and a little Toyota about ten lengths ahead of him. He starts slowing down then, now what’s his problem? I want to get going and get back to my office before 8am, so I signal, pull out and pass him, then I signal and pull back in about ten car lengths in front of him. We get toward the end of the bridge, and all is well. Then it happens! I notice these flashing blue lights in my rear view mirror!

        “Shit!”, so I pull over and the car pulls in behind me. Then I notice it’s not a car, but this idiot in the big UNMARKED SUV/Pickup I passed! I get out of my car and he’s on the radio and signals me to stay in my car , so I do.

       A few minutes later he finishes and comes up to my window, sidestepping with his hand on his gun! (Shit, Do I look that ominous or angry to him?) We go through the usual, Licence, vehicle registration, Insurance card and all that crap, then he asks me if I know why he pulled me over.

      “I signalled when I passed you, I know I did, and I left plenty of space before I pulled back in. ” , says me.

      “Oh yeah, that you did, but I was driving the speed limit, you passed me and I got you on radar doing 60 m.p.h. The speed limit is 35mph.”

      “No shit, oops, excuse me, I never even saw any signs.” (Maybe it’s time to talk about ‘illegal U-Turns off bridges with no regard for anyone else on the road’,…..let me see where this goes first.)

     “Well on the bridge it’s 45, but about 100 yards before you get off it drops to 35miles per hour, the sign is mounted on the right side about waist high.” (I can tell this is going nowhere, so I’ll take my medicine and get on with life,…”You illegal U-turner!”.)

        “Oh wow, I’m sorry, I was just hurrying to be able to get to work on time at 8:00 over past Destin. I had to drop my wife off at the airport. ”

       “Ok , I’ll be right back, please stay in the vehicle.” (Shit,….BUSTED! No warning on this I suppose.)

       He comes back about five minutes later gives me back my licence and papers and all and then proceeds to tell me he was going to cut me a break, (Cool, works for me!), then hands me the ticket.

       “Now as I told you I clocked you on radar at 60mph in a 35 mph zone, that’s 25 miles an hour over, but I reduced it to 18 miles an hour over and reduced the cost of the fine for you.”

         Then he tells me I have to call the Courthouse within six days, but that  I don’t have to appear in court, and if I want to pay the fine they can accept a credit card over the phone, but I do have to go to traffic school, but I can do that over the Internet. “You just have to read a bunch of stuff and answer the questions, real easy.” OR my other option is go to court, fight it, lose and pay court costs plus $20 for subpoenaing him to testify plus his pay while he does,….my choice. (DUH!!!)

        So I opt for pay the fine, talke the Internet course, no pain no foul, no points on my licence, no big insurance cost bump, makes sense. He hops back in his truck and pulls away, and I put my stuff away and get ready to go, but I pull out the ticket to see what the fine is.

        “$231.00,….you are shitting me! ” And he’s off like the Lone Ranger already. Now I’m pissed, Fifty, even $100 fine, ok, but $231?. SHIT!! Am I glad he cut me a break, the fine must have been the entire cost of a new Police Cruiser before he “cut me a break”!

       So I go back to the office, wait til nine call the number I’m told to call and they tell me they won’t have the ticket in the system for a week, but I can go ahead and take the internet traffic course now and get it over with, so that’s what I’m doing. As I write!

         The Internet Course requires 4 hours of your time, PERIOD! It’s broken down into ten parts, read a bunch, answer all the “quiz” questions at the end correctly, and go to the next segment. BUT you have to wait until the entire time for that segment runs out before it will let you advance to the next segment! So, I open a segment, whiz the scroll button to the end , take the little test (Is a car a potentially lethal weapon? True, or False DUH!), and then have to sit and pick my nose until the 37minutes and twenty-three seconds count down before I can push the button for “Next Segment”. So I’m while I take this thing, (already on segment 5!) , Plus I have a conference call in about 45 minutes so I will be, writing this blog, taking the course, participating in a conference call, reading my mail, and sipping coffee simultaneously! Am I a rock star or what?

        (Oh by the way, I get an 18% discount on the fine if I pass this course. Yeah God!) Remind me to check the cost of the long term parking lot for a week next time, if it’s less than the fine, the course, the aggravation, and four hours of my time guess what, I can afford it!

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     And by the way we are not mentioning this incident to my wife,….got it! I don’t want to have to hurt you! 🙂