Posted by: guinness222 | October 8, 2008

“Honey, where are the pantyhose?”

     Soon to be the cry around America’s, (well what’s left of it) middle class homes. Why? Well silly you just can’t walk in to a 7-11 and say “give me the money”. It’s so,…well,….common. You need both a little more flair and a solid method of converting your features so as to be memorable, but not identifiable. You see the more “memorable” you are the less specific identifiable attributes will be observed. Ok, for example.

        Dude walks into the store with a “hoodie” on, WRONG,… clerk at the counter is immediatley on alert and looking for memorable identifiable traits, markings, etc. Reassuringly reaching for the .357 magnum under the counter and placing one finger on the direct robbery alarm button. “Hoodie” with dark glasses, hands in the little front pouch,…shit you might as well just go to the police station and turn yourself in BEFORE you get in trouble trying to rob the place, or even innocently trying to buy a package of Twinkies or Ring-Dings, and winding up with a lead infection from the .357 Magnum and a head ache from the wailing of the direct robbery alarm wailing.

       Now the typical “Joe Six-pak” look, you know a Minnesota Twins sweatshirt (“Ah yeah Officer he was wearing a Minnesota Twins sweat shirt,…that’s all I remember, I thought it odd here in Florida to be wearing a Minnesota Twins sweatshirt,…he must be from up north.) And the pants, ALWAYS jeans if you are planning any “Assertive Cash Withdrawals” south of Washingon D.C.. Only Real Estate Sales people hwere slacks, and always Tan or Kaiki (Yes Officer I think he was a Real Estate Agent, he had tan slacks on.) Now, with regard the Jeans, nothing fancy, either a Wrangler or Levi’s, no designer shit or “specialty type” like the 505 relaxed fit, etc. (You know Officer, now that you mention it he must have been a middle class dude that recently lost his job because they were Wrangler Full Fit relaxed Jeans, you know the kind those middle class white guys that play a lot of golf wear,…check out the golf courses.) AND NEVER, NEVER the designer stuff, (You know Officer I think he might have been gay, he had those little swirlly stitching things on the back pockets, you know not the bold orange like Levis but the swishy gay designer lookin’ stuff.) Now as to foot wear, another problem. I think you might be catching on here but let me cover things anyway. You know what they say an ounce of prevention is worth more than 3-5 years Upstate!

      Gucci makes an abslutely classic loafer, but you may as well wear a sign around your neck with your name address and cell phone number on it. At 7-11’s this is where the usual clientel work ing the “Designer Fashion Liberation Field” (They “boost” truckloads of this stuff, they can identify them instantly) (Yes Officer it was the new “manno et manno”style that Gucci just shipped last week, I didn’t know they were even available here, the Dude must have been from New York or Atlanta, they always get the good fashion stuff first.) Now Nikes, well everyone’s got them, just don’t get the ones with the “blinking lights” in the heel it’s like a “follow me” sign for the cops. Reebok might be a better selection for the first “Assertive Cash Withdrawals” as they are inexpensive, you can drop them off at any thrift store this afternoon after the “withdrawal” and no one will ever find them, they’ll sit on the shelves there for weeks before they mark them down to $0.50 cents just to get rid of them. By then the “heat” will have subsided. And if your first couple of “withdrawals” are good, you can go get a real pair of Nikes, but don’t wear them on a “withdrawal” for a few months, just enjoy the comfort and stylish look. No sense going “Up-state” to look like a GQ guy on your next “job”.

       Now I reccomend a tee shirt under the Minnesota warm up jacket or sweatshirt, If you skin tone is toward the extremely dark tones a camoflage Tee is ideal it confuses the clerks mind. (Well he wasn’t a white dude, but I’m not sure whether he was dark skinned or maybe a mulatto, or possible Hispanic you know?) Camoflage on a causcasion is silly it immediatley says “Yo, I’m white!” But if you don’t wear a tee shrt and you are white middle age, well, (“Yeah, he was about forty or fifty, he had a whole bunch of them silver or white curly chest hairs you know.”) Everyone still with me and taking notes? Good.

     Now the last piece of the puzzle the Panty hose. You can either go buy a brand new pair, but don;t you think a guy buying panty hose and particularly one seemingly finding uit difficult to chose the right color or size would be “conspicuous”? “His wife sent him to get them” you say,….WRONG! She would have given him explicit size, color, brand etc., written it down for him, and he would be in and out in ten seconds, lest one of the guys think he’s a cross-dresser. Better to use an old pair of the wife’s or girl friends, less noticable than trying to go buy a new pair. Now cut them off at the knees, you want to use the bottom section, and cut off the entire foot area, (that gets pretty ripe some times you know?) plus you can put it over the top of your head, keep it up there under a ball cap or something (And remember NOT the local PTA or Little League hat, DUH!) Again complete the ensemble with a Minnesota or Los Angeles Angels hat, keep that “up north” mystique going. It’s quick and easy to reach up and pull down the panty hose to cover your face quickly, and afterwards it only takes one hand to pull it up off your head to dispose of it.

     Now, watch the grey Poupon commercails and practice the accent. “I beg your pardon, would you pass the Grey Poupon money please.” (Yeah officer , he was definately a damn Yankee, he had this really funny accent you know.) The reason for this is simple. With so many 7-11 and other convienent store clerks from the Middle East and India they are very familiar with the English speech pattern so #1 they will clearly understand your directives to them, #2 they will be totally assured you are a “civil” customer and therefore not a gangsta’ or prone to harm them in any way, #3 they will indeed report it to the police (Yes Officer, It was a cross between a Manchester and Welch Commoner Accent) Thus diverting the search half way around the globe and into Minnesota.

      I leave you’re “retreat” totally up to you, I find choice of vehicles annoying, bicycles too slow and easily identifiable (Yes Officer he got away on a Schwinn Gold Coast ten speed in the Minnestota Twins jacket with Reeboks and a camoflage Tee shirt, DUH! how hard is that to find?)

       Well that concludes our lesson for today , and remember always be polite, no cursing or swearing, and never exhibit anything other than compassion for the clerk, in fact drop a hundred or so on the floor before you go, the clerk know what to do with it. (“Yes Officer he was six foot seven about two hundred thirty-five pounds had a Texas Rangers Tee shirt on, no jacket, and you know, I thought this odd, he was wearing Gucci Loafers and had a big tatoo on his arm that said “MOM”. Excuse me, What color was he? Gee I can;t remember I was really, really nervous. Oh that money in my pocket, I had just gone to the ATM and took out some money so I can get some rice on the way home for my wife and eight children for supper. Will there be anythiong else Officer?”)

        What goes around comes around, and there is honor amonst thieves! See you at the ATM.

       “Honey, don’t you have a darker pair, you know I hate those pale colors.”  🙂


       May as well be silly and funny, ain’t nothing good going on anywhere, and I already lost my ass in the stocks, so let the “geniuses” do thier thing, anyone jumping out of windows yet?  😉


  1. Why go to all the bother. Just walk in and rob the damn store. You know that we all look alike to the Pakistani behind the counter.

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