The Emerald Rose

    Last Wednesday I noticed the “Business Contact Manager” feature on my Microsoft Outlook program wasn’t there. “Strange.” says I as I was just going to try and get into it. When I ordered the computer it came with this Microsoft “Home Office and Student” edition of M/S Office. I asked about e-mail and they  told me “Oh sure, it’s on there no problem.” (Another good reason not to trust any pimply faced clerk ordertaker between 18 and 45 years old!) Anyway When it came there was some little wimpy thing, that I immediately consigned to “DELETE” and was going to buy a seprate copy of Outlook and put on. Then I noticed the “wordprocessor” was not a full M/S Word, nor the Excel, so as the smoke funneled out of my ears, and I was about ready to launch a Thermo-nuclear missle attack against Dell Computers, I decided to check the Microsoft page. It said I could get an “upgrade” to M/S Office Small Business Edition, which had all the things I really wanted, so I began shopping around. My local office max had a flyer and was offering the $279.00 “Upgrade” edition (which was the regular price in every other place I checked) with an “Instant Rebate” of $110!! So I called them, (been caught in those “instant rebate scams” where when you get there they give you a coupon and you have to pay full price and have to send in all this crap and wait until your computer to reach “planned obselesence” before they send you a check!) “Yes Sir”, the young lady who answered the phone said, “We deduct that right at the register for you so you will only pay $169 of your money for it today.” So me, “Ahh hold a copy for me , my name’s Mr. Guinness and I’m bounding out on my office sliding across the hood of my car and on my way there,…..pleeease?” Ten minutes later I’m walking out pleased as punch at my “great deal”,….until last week.

       Nothing aggrevates me more than not getting what’s advertised for your $$$$! So wednesday I fire off an e-mail to M/S support, never get an answer! Yesterday I said “Self, maybe you just need to uninstall what came with the computer for Office, and load on the new Office Small business Edition,   so I did, “Unable to find previous  version of Office, Upgrade denied.” DENIED? DENIED? $169 $$$? I WILL NOT BE DENIED FOR $169! tweak a bit here, tweak a bit there, reload the lame version that came with it, try it again, it loads, BUT without the Busniness Contact Manager feature, so I reload Disk 2 three more times, I go to the programs, it confirms it’s there, I try and open it, I get some “techie-speak” message about a “o11.dll  is not found or missing” (Ok I’ll find it, but WHAT THE HELL IS IT?) Reload everything again, go to the help screen (By Jove Whitney, what a brilliant concept!) All it does is tell me to do what I’ve done six times so far! (And don’t get smart with me and tell me “Six times? Haven’t you heard that if you do the exact same thing six times then why would you expect a different answer?” So I banged out another “Feel free to e-mail us and we’ll be back to you within 8 hours with a responce” (Yeah, been there done that. Your response “Not our problem we have no problems, must be operator error, try your computer manufacturer (back to the pimply faced dickhead at Dell!), or “Call our “Super Support Help Desk” at rate begining at $2500.00 a minute, Have your credit card ready”)

     So here I sit, waiting with bated breathe for thier reply, “within 8 hours”. My college team lost yesterday, I killed the better part of 8 Guinness at my friend Eddie’s “Breeder’s Cup party, but my skills as a handicapper shone and I hit three “Exacta Boxe” bets for about $45, and didn’t have to ask my wife for her “beginners luck” 16 to 1 shot winner’s money for gas on the way home.

      My Pro Football team is playing but I’ve kept my cool there as well and am waiting another ten minutes before I head for the Pub. (These 12 o’clock Eastern, 11 am Central starts are killing me. Even me, a professional Guinness imbiber would turn into a slobbering drunk if I was going straight to the bar after Mass on Sunday morning to watch the game. (Probability is I might even mention it to the Parish Priest, that would mark me for Novenas and prayers next week that I “see the Light!!”)

     Well as they used to say around Washington D.C. in 1865, “Well, aside from that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? (You knew I was demented, you should have quit reading before I get to those really bad jokes.)

-30-