The Emerald Rose

       In about an hour the polls open here in Florida, and I’ll toddle down to cast my vote. We won’t discuss who for that will set me up to rant on for several more pages and bore you to death,….but after today, one way or another it is OVER! Thank God for that. In fact since it is four more years to the next election I’m about ready to spend that time becoming a “Voter Activist”. Now the description of a “Voter Activist (“VA”) is one who is intelligent enough to realize the world is spinning incredibly fast today, and in four more years it will be spinning at breakneck speed, Therefore let us update our electoral process as well to match the spped of our “brave new world”. Follow my plan below, and if you are interested in becoming a “VA” let me know. Frankly I think thousands, if not millions of you, out there really are interested in becoming card carrying “VA”‘s!

      Here are the rules;

     1. “We shall allow no candidates before thier time.” – Thanks to Ernest and Julio Gallo for this “plank”. In other words the election process will start on August 1, of 2012, and not a day earlier. The “VA” Board of Directors shall fine any “candidate” even thinking about running, who opens thier mouth about anything but the great weather prior to August 1. (The money, or fine,  will go to the “OGP” , or “Other Guys Pool” which is given to the other candidates in equal amounts on August 1st.). Thou shalt give the people peace and quiet as long as possible before you start any campaign shit!

    2. There will be a one hour “forum” held each week on Thursday evening at 7pm Central Standard Time where all candidates will be required to attend, or be severely fined by the “VA” Board of Directors, and answer three questions from the American  electorate within a “strict” time allowance, when the “red light” goes on they will be tasered until they shut up, (1 second usually) and be given a 30 second penalty on thier next question’s response time. At the end of the “Forum” the country may “text” a score of 1 – 10 for the worst candidate, and they are then given a “formal warning” of impending elimination(“Yellow Card”). Three warnings and you (Red Card) are “OUT OF THE RUNNING”. The process will continue for 12 weeks or until the final extra candidate is eliminated and we are left with two “official” candidates and a reasonable time left to the election.

    3. Each of the remaining “Official” Candidates will be given three one hour program slots each week, one on each of the major networks, over the remaining week(s), based on a draw for all three slots. They may utilize that slot anyway they like, BUT the last slot MUST be utilized to name thier entire “Cabinet”, with thier credentials, if they are subsequently elected. (We have a right to know who the rest of the “bro’s in da ‘hood” are going to be before we get stuck with them. The Vice Presidential Candidates, for each of the remaining “official” candidates, will also be announced by the “VA” Board of Directors, from the list of people gaining the most nominations by the American People over the entire 12 week election period, NO campaigning is allowed for this position. That’s the “We the People” check valve. If the actual candidate elected is a jerk and we “blow them away”, we know who we’re getting to step in and finish things.

     4. During the entire campaign no more than three commercials a day shall be allowed on television or radio, particularly during prime time television, OR, Law & Order and CSI reruns on any channel. They can be no more than one minute long and be pre-approved by the “VA” Board of Directors.

     5. Because of advanced communications and computer technology you may either go to the nearest local school’s “Computer Lab”, sign on by social security number, and select an appropriate ballot, which will be printed out and given to you to execute. Once access by Social Security number is requested, that Social Security number will not be allowed another entry or ballot. With the “nano speed” of today we can run it against the Social Security data base, the “Vital Statistics” data base, the IRS data base, and Customs and immigraition, The Bureau of Prisons, as well as the Terrorist Watch List data base to verify the voters eligibility to vote. No hanky panky or “double dipping” will be allowed. (The IRS will be absolutely prohibited from using your social security check in, and any of it’s data check, for ANY purpose and must instantly dispose of your record within 1 second after validation that you are alive and are eligible as a U.S. Citizen to file a tax return, or you will recieve a permanent Federal Tax Exemption for as long as you live.  Whether you do, did or haven’t filed a tax return is none of thier damn business,…this is about a fair election, not “ratting out” citizens!)

     6. Your ballot will be scanned immediately after you complete it, you will be required to review the scan in private, like the NFL Referee’s reviewing a disputed play “Under the hood”. You then select a button on the “verifyer” either “This is correct and how I chose to vote” , or “Illegal vote in machine – VOID”, and go back to get a “provisional backup vote”. The “Provisional votes” will not be counted unless the margin of victory by a candidate is less than two percent. The rationale is simple, only five of you  or about 5% are stupid enough to screw up your ballot,….you want to vote, then you damn well learn how! We will have classes and tests the entire week before the election so there is no excuse for screwing up,…live with it!

      7. The “polls” will be open nationally from midnight until 5pm only on Election day (I’m sick of hearing about all those “dweebs” in Dixville Notch, New Hampshire every four years. It’s sort of like Midnight Mass used to be at Christmas time, all the drunks and yahoos with insomnia get the attention! It’s not about them!

      8. At 8pm Election Day night the official, final Election results will be announced by the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, and Jay Leno jointly. (David Letterman is an idiot and shall have no part in this election process).

      9. Law and Order , CSI Whatever, NCIS, and Desperate Housewives will follow inmmediately after with no commercial interruptions, as a thank you from the “VA” Board of Directors for your patiance and involvement in the Electoral process.

     10. All losing candidates, from  the level of Congressman and up will then immediately be whisked off for a two week vacation in beautiful Hawaii, with all expenses paid for, up to $200 a day. (They would have taken the vacation anyway and spent a shit load more of our money on it. This way we get Bill Shatner and “Priceline.com” to have guaranteed the American Public the best prices possible for our Politicians to save us, the taxpayers, money.

     11. If you vote you will also recieve a coupon for three alcholic beverages of your choice at any bar or pub in the country, as a “Thank you” from the Board of Directors of the United Voter Activists Alliance. (“Top Shelf” is excluded and voters prefering wine will be allowed four glasses per coupon. Non-drinkers get nothing because we know any national election drives every normal person to drink, and if you don’t drink then you are not normal, and it would be irresponsible to waste good booze and beer on disfunctional people.

“I’m Mr. Guinness, Supreme Chairman, of the United Voter Activists Alliance, and I approved this message.”

🙂

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