Posted by: guinness222 | November 9, 2008

An URGENT Appeal to America!

Folks, I know I promised to confine my political comments to my “Tea Party Patriot” blog, but I just became aware of a situation,…well , a situation so big, and so dangerous to the economy of this country that we, you and I, the American people, MUST beseech our leaders, Democrat and Republican alike to intervene with a bailout package. I speak of the impending collapse of the Deli Counters across this vast land of ours!
Imagine, if you will, life without Lox! Or perhaps a morning without a bagel! This is a serious crisis, a serious matter that goes beyond us. If the Deli’s fail look at the jobs that will be lost, not just the Deli workers, but the associated suppliers, the bagel companies, the Lox makers, the half dill pickle manufacturers, and I shudder to even think of the speicalty bread makers! No more pumpernickle, no more dark and light rye’s Warehouses of pumpernickle and rye will fall pray to mice and vermin just lie dormant, bagels will take on another life, as disposable boat bumpers, and practice street hockey pucks! It is truly a scary, scary vision.
As good as our economy has been for years, without those skilled craftsmen, and the tradition and knowledge,…well where are we going to get matzo’s, and gilfelte fish? You think todays women were taught those ancient, handed down traditions? Not really they were busy out trolling the streets for Doctor’s, Lawyers, and the like,…who had time for it?
And let’s talk the beauty of a “deli” sandwich. That ball of shaved meat, sliced so thin you could read your newspaper through the pieces that fell out of the sandwich on to it! To pile that softball size chunk of meat in the middle of the bread, leaving a good inch of the bread all around out to the edges, slapping mustard on it and then slicing it diagonally, spinning one side against the other and the eye appeal! It would take at least sixteen stitches to close the split on either side of your mouth to get aroound it for that first three inch high bite of ham and cheese on rye! After the first bite, it was always downhill until all that was left was the crust, and the surrounding inch of bread all the way around.
And the half dill pickle, and artform, the “Mons Lisa’ of deli foods, a slice lengthwise just wrapped about thirty nine times in the parchment, or “deli” paper. And then there was the show itself!
It was almost like watching all those clowns climb out of the little car. How in God’s name could that many people be behind the counter with knives and slicers, and the attitudes and comments back and forth, Oy! The good old days before the “fast food” deli’s, like McAllister’s, Burger Kingberg’s, The Knish House wit da Lox and Bagels with real budda’! Oy!
“Rudy, a combo, ham n’ cheese with da rich yellow (Grey Poupon), on pump her the half dill and Irish crap (potato salad) for da smuck with the fancy ass pinstripe shirt.”
“Sam you want I should put extra Mayo on da’ egg salad on Dark (Dark Rye bread)?
“Oy Vay!, you trying to put me in the poor house? That fat clown is ripe for a coronary by afternoon coffee break as it is,.. anyway,…skip the extra Mayo, he don’t like it tell him no food today,…we’re out of everything!”
“Myron, Yo! Myron stop looking down her blouse and make the damn salad, and don’t drool in it like you did on that redhead’s yesterday,…and only one breast of chicken, not two, like my kids ain’t gonna be able to eat until Saturday the way you give this stuff away, I never shudda’ hired you, you mensch, if you weren’t married to my sister I ‘d have let you stay a stock broker, and look where you’d be now!”
“Sol, Damn it Sol one slice of cheese, you just buy a Cheese Factory or something, you want to tell us why he gets three slices of Cheese, you tappin’ his daughter or what?”

But it’s all going away if you don’t help! Tell you senator, your representatives, you stock broker, (he owes you one after we gave his ass $700 Billion),….we’ve got to bail out the deli’s. It is imperative to the economic well being of this country. So call today, send telegrams (whatever they are; it was before my time!)

And remember, “teach a man to eat deli and he can survive at least the the first heart attack and a stroke, but never the second”,….but he got a warning, how good is God to the Deli crownd huh? you think he’d let them just drop?,….Never. Make sure they have time to get to the Doctors and the Rehab centers, God knows, everyone’s gotta make a living so be is careful to make sure the Deli crowd gets to spread it around, before they pop off. Hey,…you ever see an amored car in a funeral procession, come on. You can’t take it with you, but the onions on the on the liverwurst? Oy, now they will go with you to the grave, trust me. My wife’s other brother, the fancy smancy smart ass with the “summer house” on the Island, and the two bimbo’s on the side? Well they found him in bed with the blonde one at lunchtime on the Island and guess what? He brought a deli liverwurst and Onion on Pumpernickle with him and he dropped dead, …phit!, ….gone. They had to have a closed casket because of the onions, they couldn’t kill the smell, even with the casket closed the mourners were all askin’ if we had some sndwiches for gnoshing and all after they paid thier respects! Never again, any of the relatives die after liverwurst and onions they gonna be cremated!



  1. Thanks for posting the article, was certainly a great read!

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