The Emerald Rose

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“So Mr. Guinness, you been managing our Condominium, The Shady Oaks Terrace now for four years, but as President I’ve been asked to speak to you about our,…ah collection efforts by the rest of the Board. They sense you are a bit reluctant to fully embrace those processes, and the Board is concerned because we absolutely can not increase the monthly dues on the people who are paying to make up for those that aren’t. So how do you plan to step up those efforts? If you can’t do it,….well, you leave us no choice but to look for a new managment company.”

“Well Mr., … ah,…is it Worthington-Smithers, or Smithers-Worthington? Anyway we’ve just enlisted the services of a new firm that specializes in collections, “Made Guys Unlimited”. Trust me we’ve done the research and they are good. They have a 95% collection rate.”
“What about the other 5%, Guinness, we need it all you know.”
“Let me have one of the Senior Associates who came with me today address that for you. Excuse me while I call my new “secretary” Cheri, hon, would you mind asking Mr. Clemenza to come in? And tell his friend Pauly perhaps a few Cannolli would be good to seal the contract with Shady Oaks. Thank you.”
A few minutes later Clemenza shows up and walks in anjust “plops” on the couch.
“Yo, ya need me Boss?”
“Yes Mr. Clemenza, Mr. Worthington-Smithers is wanting to know about the 5% of collections you’ve failed to collect. He’s into the why not,…could you help him understand the collection process and the absolute certainty that the collection can not be made and how we then handle it?”
“Yeah, sure,…where’s da other guy?”
“What other guy, Mr. Clemenza?”
“Well I’m not sure whether this is the Worthington guy, or the Smithers guy, so where’s the other one? I ain’t talkin’ til I got my sights on both a them. That’s how they took out Lucca Brazi, remember stuck him to the bar and the other guy come up behind him wit da piano wire and …kkkkkkk,..all over.”
“I’m sorry Mr. Worthington-Smithers, Mr. Clemeza is usually not traveling in these circles.”
“I quite understand,…but can we get on with it I have a polo match in twenty minutes and I have to be sure the damn groom has the horse properly dressed, it’s so embarrassing when they can’t set a proper set of reins for me. Ah the help today, one of the crosses I must bear,(sigh).”

“Ahhh Mr. Clemenza, we aren’t going to wait for Mr. Smithers, so go ahead and tell Mr. ‘Worthington” what he was asking please.
“Sure boss, so lemme see, usually I ‘rough ’em up a bit, you know, kick ’em in the cahones a couple times, stuff a canary in thier mouth sometimes,…oh, and when I pull out the chainsaw, man I love dat part, I never knew anyone could open thier eyes that big,..ya know?”
“Ah yes, …yes, and if that does not work?”
“Oh dat’s when Mario comes in.”
“Whose Mario?””
“He used to be da star in the skinflicks “Tony da dick” made in Jersey, but he is huge, I mean huge, meagya dat thing is bigger than a horse.”
“And what does he do?”
“He, ah ‘services’ da clients wife, or girl friend while he’s watchin’, ya know?”
“Is that effective?”
“Nah,..but when he turns to the client and tells him ‘You’re next’. well that usually gets us the money in twenty minutes, ya know?”
“Well that’s all fine but I’m concerned about the 5% you don’t collect,…why not?”
“No disrespect here Worthington, but some of ’em are too prissy and don’t really care, they think they are better than everyone else, ya know?”
“So you just pass on them then?”
“Naaah! We tap ’em in the knees, if that don’t get the money we make it possible for them to sing in the Vienna boys Chior, if ya know what I mean.”
“And even then they won’t pay!” said Worthington-Smithers incredulously. “Then what?”
“Hey, youse don’t look Scicilian, but I’m gonna share a little secret wit you. You like spagetti sauce?”
“Well,…ah,…occasionally, why”
“You prefer to make it yourself or get the bottled shit?”
“Well, I would imagine Maria our cook would buy the bottle sauce, I’m not sure if Coasta Ricans know how to make sphagetti sauce, why?”
“You eva’ hear of ‘Made Guys Sauce Italiano’? Probably not, but trust me stick with the Marinara, never the Bolgnese, ya’ know?”
“Why what’s the difference?”
“Marinara is just the vegetables and spicing and all. The “Bolognese” has ah,..whatcha call it, ‘meat’ in it, ya know?”
“You mean you,….you ,…Oh my God, you don’t?”
“Do I looks like I’d lie about dis? On my brothers eyes,…God rest his soul.”

RING, RING!
“Hello Mr. Guinness here? Oh, ok, send him in please. Thank you. That was Pauly Walnuts, he’s back with the Cannollis, and he brought some expresso from Satriales Market as well, such a thoughtful employee. Now would you like to sign the contract for collections with Mr. Clemenza now, or wait til Pauley get in the room. We always like to have a witness, for legal purposes, you understand right Mr. Worthington-Smithers?”
“But then how do we get the remaining 5%, I’m not very clear on that.”
“You get it by gettin’ over it, or we can come over and discuss it wit youse while Mario has tea wit da missus’ in the garden,…you get my drift? Right Mr. “G”?””
“Exactly Mr. Clemenza. I do hope Pauly got us two each on the cannolli. Oh, you look a little pale Mr. Worthington-Smithers, shall I call your butler?”

-30- “The mind is a terrible thing to waste.”