After writing yesterdays blog on wallpapering “the Pit” with stock certificates I mentioned it to a few friends, they got a big hoot out of it, so today, since Sirius Radio stock dropped to $0.20 a share, and it will take 600 stock certificates to do the job, (ok, maybe 605 in case I cut wrong), I’ll call my stock broker and see exactly what it will cost. And if it’s less than $200 I think I’ll do it for “shits ‘n giggles”. Now I can be called “eccentric” instead of just plain “crazy”!
Anyhow, my buddy Dave called me last week, (He’s pushing 80, knows everyone in the world by first name and acts like a little Irish Leprechaun all the time.) He’s down for a month or so from Atlanta and was going to go to the Public Library to get his e-mail, until Mr. Guinness stepped up to the dilemma. “Damn David, I’ve got a laptop at home I ‘m really not using right now, I’ll drop it by your place and show you how it works and you can get you’re e-mail and do whatever you want. (He’s only going to be here through Christmas.)
So I bring it over set it up, give him a separate user so it’s simple, put two shortcuts on the desktop, one to Internet Explorer, and one to AOL on line(his e-mail carrier). Showed him how to start it up and go surfin’ the net, or straight to his own carrier. (His entire building has Wi-Fi so I set that up for him as well. The only thing I didn’t show him was how to shut it off. Four days later he calls and says somethings wrong with it, so I go over after Church on Sunday and it has automatically gone into “hibernation”, and he started “pushing buttons” and God only knows what happened, but I killed it, set it up again, explained “hibernation to him, had him try a few things himself (“Teach a man to fish he will eat forever”, or as they say in the South “Teach a man to fish and he’ll figure out how to get two cases of beer on the boat all by himself”). Anyway Dave calls me yesterday and asks if I’m going to the Pub last evening. To which I asked him “Do Bears really shit in the woods? So off to the Pub after work at 5:00. Dave’s already there waiting. “I got the computer out in the car, I can’t get it to shut off, so I just put it back in the bag and threw it in the car,…it’s too complex for me.” So I said “ok, but all you have to do, worst case, is pull out the battery and it will shut down”. “Naw, I’m hexed, I have bad computer Karma, I’d rather go to the library they think I’m a real old fart and one of those sweet little librarians usually does it all for me and then I can just read the e-mails” “Dave, I’ve seen a few of the e-mails you’ve sent me, you let the librarians look at them?” Dave does his little leprechaun giggle and says, “They love it.” I’ll have to remember that when I get old, good pick up line even for an 80 year old,…”Help the old guy.”
Anyway we were watching the Senate Sub-Committee hearing with the three CEO’s of GM, Ford, and Chrysler, along with some silly ass professor “expert” with a goofy bow tie, and some United Auto Worker’s Union guy who looked like he should have had a lead role in “The Soprano’s”. If things weren’t so serious this would have been the best comedy show going. Now I know why I’m not a big ass CEO of a major company, OR some pompous United States Senator! In the course of the hour and a half we watched (Hoping to actually “learn” something so as to be better informed citizens.) The Senator (making about $150,000 a year) asking the CEO of GM (making $2.9 Million a year) the same six questions over and over and over, just with thier “spin” on it.
“Ah so Mr. CEO, much like my distinguished colleagues, I would like to know what your rate of burn on money is per year.”
“Well Senator Idiot, we estimate a current rate of about $1.5 million a month.”
“So that would be how much a year, Mr. CEO?”
“Well that would depend on the quarter and the adjusted rate of production and inflation, Senator.”
“Well say right now, right here, today, if all things were equal and even, Mr. CEO”
“Excuse me Senator, Union Boss, Three Fingers Louie here, are you taking into account the COLA (Cost of Living Adjustment) to the pension funds and the health insurance for the loyal workers who have already retired?”
“Ah,…Mr. Louie was it? Ah no that would be incumbent of the company as they have the relative information on that piece of the puzzle and I assume they have indeed factored that into the rate of burn, would I be correct in that assumption Mr. CEO?
“Ah,..yes certainly, but in order to fully fund the required pre-requisite factors properly we would need the Assurance of the Senate that the $325 Billion we are requesting would in fact be coming to us by the end of the fourth quarter, or all the “forward look” advise we have given in this matter may be subsequently in jeopardy.”
“Ah,…yes, yes, of course. Well left me digress to another topic for a moment, with all the need for less fuel consumption, better mileage, safer vehicle standards and comfort why is it taking so long to bring out hybrids and other energy efficient vehicles, Mr. CEO#2?”
“Well Senator, I don’t want to talk down to you, but the entire automotive industry is a very, very complex industry and the employee fracture rate at the supplier levels are critical to our ability to re-direct the moneys to more beneficial production standards utilizing the various carbon-less emission technologies to ascertain those higher standards.”
“Very good,…very good,…I understand, so let me go back to the question I asked CEO #1 a few minutes ago, what is your companies rate of burn, CEO#2”
“Well that’s a fair question,Senator, but I’m at a loss to answer that this afternoon, if I could have a minute to confer with my corporate treasurer whom, I’m sure has that informationon I could,….”
“Excuse me Mr. CEO #2, (rather indignantly, with a smirk) you mean to tell me you are unaware of the amount of money it takes to run your entire company per month, am I phrasing that so you can understand it?”
“Senator, we wish to cooperate fully with this committee, and as such have volunteered to come her on less than 36 hours notice to answer your questions as best we can, but Senator, your expectations that we know everything there is to know about our businesses is bordering on the impossible,…”
“Excuse me if I could just intervene here (Committee Chairman who just got back from a “potty break”) We greatly appreciate the honesty and the forthright answers these CEO’s are providing the United States Senate, and by no means to we mean to cast any aspersions as to your firms or your personal awareness of anything. Just like our Senate it takes many, many, many factors and people and time to link it all together to a cohesive compilation of information to properly distribute. Now I also note the hour is stretching a little beyond us so I would ask Senator Asswipe to wrap up his questioning to the witnesses so Senator Whadhesay can ask a few questions and we can wrap this all up before happy hour ends.” (Big yuks in the entire chamber)
“I have no more questions Mr. Pompous Chairman.”
“Alright Senator Whadhesay, your turn, and would you try and hold it to less than fifteen minutes please?”
“Thank you Mr. Chairman, but with all due respect the balance of the decision on whether to give $325 billion, with a B, to these firms deserves whatever it takes time wise for us to determine the right course of action for the Senate and our responsibilities to the American people who put us here to make those tough decisions, but in deference to the Chairman’s request I will try and be done before happy hour is over.
“Now, Mr CEO #1, just one question for you and I think I can simplify this enough that we can get right to the meat of the meal so to speak, What is the current average annual amount of money that your firm consumes to operate on an annual basis?”
“Well , as I indicated to Senator Bullshitalways a few minutes ago that rate can vary substantially with the inflation and stagnation rates relative to the particular frequencies related to the interest percentages magnified at the wholesale levels of our suppliers. But on the average I’d say it’s about six.”
“Thank you Mr. CEO #1, and Mr Chairman I think that answers all my questions for today and I’d again like to thank each of you for coming before us today, and for helping your country in these difficult days we face in working toward a solution that is both palatable to your firms and the American people, and that our no-partisean efforts in the senate can be replicated by the house and the executive branch to bring a sound and long lasting solution to benefit all of us for the foreseeable future. Thank you Mr. Chairman.”
“And I would reiterate the Seantors statement to you’all and thank you for you responses. If there is no other busness before the Committee we stand adjourned.
WHAT DID THEY SAY? PLEASE FORWARD TRANSLATIONS TO ME! NO WONDER WE DRINK!
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The Emerald Rose 
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