Posted by: guinness222 | November 26, 2008

“God gonna getch for that!”

    Ok so I should have put the priest’s fiver in the collection instead of buying another Guinness Sunday when I won the bet from him! But I don’t have a vow of poverty or whatever, and certainly not celibacy either, but come on God, a sense of humor here,….please?

   Let me back up to yesterday, average run of the mill type day, finishing up at the Pub while the wife goes to some Ecumenical Thanksgiving Chior thing at the local Methodist Church to sing. (Thank God only one of us has a “hobby ” that costs $4 a pint! Amen!) Anyway, I’m just sitting watchig the stock market results for the day with a couple buddies when my friend Norm comes in. He ‘s telling me about a buddy of his and how they are constantly shooting things back and forth and the pranks they been playing on each other since college. He’s an iphone aficionado, and he wants me to see what this guy sent him today. Soooo, I turn back to the bar to put on my glasses (rimless, very small lenses, sort of John Lennonish, but rectangular lenses) They seem a Little wide at the ear pieces laying there, you know like my head is three blocks wide! Well occasionally when they fall, or I’m trying to put on a pullover sweater with them on they sort of bend out of shape a little. (Come to think of it they felt a little loose yesterday afternoon,….hmmmmm) so I pick them up to kind of bend them back a little bit and poof! They split apart at the bridge of the nose. The right half is perfect, both pads that rest on your nose, lens in place etc, and fit fine, but the left half is only an earpiece connected to a lens, and it won’t even stay on! So I figure I’ll see if I can tape them together for now.

      DUH!!! You usually wear glasses so you can see, and the older you get the “less better” you can see, so that was a stupid idea! With them I could have seen the problem and tried to fabricate a “fix” until tomorrow, but how the hell can I even see the problem without the damn glasses on! Well I’ve got a pair of “magnifiers”, you know the $3 or $4 cheaters that magnify everything three to five times so some old farts who claim “my vision is perfect” can still believe it and excuse themselves by saying “Damn newspapers are using that tiny little type to save money, so I have to use them magnifiers because of them!” So I call for my check.

    Old farts are right, they are even using that micro-type on you check as well, (sigh) well the usual $20 should cover it all, besides I couldn’t read the bill, let alone a credit card thingy to put the tip on and sign so it would have to be cash, at least the governement makes the numbers big enough to see!

    So I get home, put on a set of cheaters, and guess what, not only n hope of fabricating a fix, (not even with three rolls of duct tape! The frames have been diabolically designed that the one single piece of the frame metal, (no thicker than a bloody wire), holds the whole damn thing together,….so guess what I have to do? Spend the morning trying to get them fixed so I can at least see for the four day Thanksgiving weekend! The alternative is probably that $6,000 surgery which ain’t happening. (Got a phobia about the eyes, you ought to see what the eye dude has to go through to get those stupid drops in there every time I get an exam to see if I’ve got glaucoma, It’s a highly trained response reflex!)

    Got a new picture of my newest grandaugher, she’s four and a half months now, and her stalwart protector, Ozzie”, a cross between a Grayhound and a Husky, one blue eye, one brown. He is never more than two feet from her, and if he don’t know you,….you are lunch! When the baby was born our daughter-in-laws Mon took one of those little recieving blankets that was used on the baby, and rubbed it on the baby and then took it home and rubbed it on the dog to “get used to the smell of a new baby”, but Ozzie (Yeah named after Ozzie Ozborne, my youngest’s (32) idea of a “musical genius”, so a gene went bad, not my fault, it had to be from his mother’s side!) he’s adopted her. There is no barking in the house, he decided and told the other dog, Amigo, and they don’t. An Ozzie is in charge, you better believe it.

     When my wife and sister in law went out to visit, Maria, granddaughter Anastasia’s Mom, was exhausted, so my wife, mother of three and consummate baby-lover, told her go take a nap and she and my sister in law could handle it. Well about an hour later Anastasia starts fussing, so the wife goes over , does all her magic “Mother things”, but Anna (I am giving her a nickname her,…so forever more Anastasia will be “Anna”,…you’se got a problem wit dat?) And guess what  the Mother magic stuff is not working.

      Now Ozzie was watching patiently, but finally decided this “grand-mother magic stuff” was not working, so he trots off upstairs to daughter in law Maria, who is napping soundly, and proceeds to start licking her face until she comes around, then takes her by the cuff of her sweatshirt and leads her to the stairs to go “take care of business” for “his baby”! Take good care of that dog!!

     Now as a grandfather to a four and a half month baby girl, that’s o, but I will be relatively useless to terrorize her dates when she gets to be 16 or 18, (shit, I’ll be 80+ years old!) But the dog will have to be the “first line of defense” Imagine a half Greyhound, half Husky, with one blue eye and one brown eye, certainly a scary enough mutant that a threatening deep growl and pulled back lip would cause only a righteous boy deserving a date to prevail, not some slacker looking for a little “roll in the hay” type to even think about it with my granddaughter.

       NOTE: Send a present to Ozzie, maybe 500 pounds opf doggie treats,…who loves ya’ Ozzie?


     All the typo’s today are the fault of these damn cheaters, not me! The internet is making the type smaller too! It’s a global conspiracy against old farts,….but we shall unite and overcome, (either that or not be able to read the label on the medication and overdose!)

     There will be a Thanksgiving Day blog tomorrow for all of you, I’ll try not to be too sentimental, and if you have a life and can’t read it tomorrow, …well a big Happy Thanksgiving from me to you and yours.  – Mr. Guinness

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