Posted by: guinness222 | December 4, 2008

“The types of Weddings we must endure (sigh) during life”

       Yesterday we got a “thank you” card in the mail from a wedding we went to a few weeks ago, and like everything else in “the insane world of Mr. Guinness” it triggered synapses in the grey matter between my ears, so here we go for today;

       There is an old biblical/folk song called “Turn, Turn,Turn” which I believe was done by an English Group in the early 60’s (Love ‘n Peace” era) by The Birds. (if I knew i had several dozen decades left,…well then maybe I could learn how to upload it and have it play while you read this blog, but with only another good forty years or so to go, I don’t have time. If you know a shortcut in plain English, and understandable by old farts, translation of how to do it, or where to get the info, PLEASE let me know. But I digress,…sorry.) It spoke of a time for every purpose under heaven and the stages of life and all that “stuff”. (We were deep thinkers then, not the hip hop rap shit that is supposed to be music, or the “gangsta” cap about killin’ everyone who “dis’s me”,…but that’s another rant, back to weddings.

      You can measure where you are based on the stages of your life by the  Weddings you attend at those stages, there are only six levels;

      1) The “Pain in the arse” Kids Level – This is where you just ain’t even got a clue, but you’re pissed off. Instead of being at home playing “Doctor” with the girl next door the parents make you dress up in “Church clothes”, threaten you with total annihilation from the face of the earth, or worse having to watch your little sister for two weeks after school (no TV, TivVo, Playstation or computers when I grew up,…but I lived!) if they had to even look in your direction once all afternoon then drag you to a (Yuck!) wedding of a couple people you don;t know, with smelly little old ladies who pinch your cheek and old men who pat you on the head so many times your head goes flat on top. There is a big “dinner” thing with yucky food, a bunch of terrible music, and your parents seem to like this thing. ( at least they aren’t yellin’ at you!) It seems to go for three days but the cake ain’t bad, and that “Uncle Bobby” guy gave you a sip of some yucky stuff called “wine”, which you almost puked up! There were a bunch of those type weddings, but you soon learned how to score dessert fast, dump you vegetables and that junk, and there was always candy somewhere.

      2.  The “Grown Child” Wedding Level – The little old ladies were a LOT older they all aid the same thing, “My how big you’ve grown”, and the old men who were trying to break all your fingers when they shook hands  just to prove they weren’t dead yet. The food seemed to get a little better, but the best part was all the “chicks” (or “boys” for the girls) hormones were happening and that ugly little brat of Uncle charlie and Aunt Louise had turned into a Playboy Centerfold! Of course the one that would talk to you were the ones with the “coke-bottle” glasses or more “zits” than a polka-dot table cloth. The music still sucked, but it wasn’t quite as bad as wedding used to be on the whole.

       3. The “Buddies” level – That’s after you’ve come of age or have a fake ID, it’s FREE drinks (“open bar” you learn later is the term) your old football buddy, or your room-mate from College or an old High school chum, they are all biting the dust, all around you, it seems like one a week, but your attitude has changed to a code for your life now, “So many women,…so little Time”! The food is the same old same old, chicken or steak, potatoes, old green beans all swimming in this “gravy” that looks like used oil from the car when you change it! Plus if you’re lucky you might even score a “hook-up” or a bunch of phone numbers. However most of these you don’t remember too well since they had the open bar and you logged more beer than the entire Pacific Fleet on leave. Seems like it ended sometime, but don’t ask me to tell you when! Oh yeah the old ladies were dying off and the old men were in walkers and couldn’t crush a grape skin let alone your hand. But the old ladies that came must have screwed up and taken a bath in that shitty flower perfume stuff, they could damn near asphyxiate you at 100 yards, and if they hugged you , well, you would smell for a week no matter how many showers you took.

     Stay,tuned tomorrow’s “blog” for the last three stages, “The Parent Level”, “The Parents Friends Level”, and “The ‘Old farts who don’t eat much and can’t drink anymore’ Level” With a SPECIAL level called “The ‘Oh Shit! It’s my Wedding!’ Level” which doesn’t count as a “single” level because it may keep re-occurring several times until you are broke, bitter, and won’t go to weddings any more out of principle.

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      Got to go to work, “The Boy King” sent me an e-mail last night telling me he was going to fire the shitty bookkeeper (he should have fired her a year ago”, today as phase ! of his game plan to prove to me he has a plan and wants me to stay with his company. (Sort of like “Lions and Christians” today,….wonder if they sell popcorn? I’mmm baddddd. )

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