The Emerald Rose

    Ok now back to weddings as “life Levels’. In the previous two blogs I have covered levels,  I – Pain in the ass Kid’s weddings, II- Grown Child weddings, III- Buddies or also known as the  student/college,adolesent weddings, now the really memorable weddings.

     IV- The Parents Weddings – These are those weddings at which YOU have to cover, your daughter(s), your son(s), and your own (1,2,3, or however many you like these days, if you got the $$$$$).  At Parent Weddings you know all the folks over thirty, because they are in the same damn boat you are, still trying to determine what they did to piss God off so much  that he is allowing your perfect child to be marrying this “bird brained” loser/gold digger (circle one). Everyone under 30 is simply a bloody “leech” sucking up your booze, your food, and hitting on your unmarried daughters as well! Not a good time for a parent. If it’s your wedding odds are you don’t remember a thing, “Who the hell was that fat old lady that pinched my cheek and drew blood?” or “Is that chick with the huge rack a relative of your’s?” (This is how multiple weddings for adult parents usually happen .)

   V. – Parents Friends weddings – usually after all your offspring have grown, gone either to prison, got married, or are dating the “blonde chick with the big rack”, and you’ve been able to seperate yourself from the fear of another wedding, but all your adult friends, usually not the one you knew twenty years before, are inviting you to thier childrens wedding. (Gift selection is a very precise thing, if you base it on the level of food and beverage service you can’t go wrong. For example, (A) BYOB (Bring your own booze), and light appetizer buffet, (mostly cheese and crackers and veggie sticks) , a $10 dollar check should cover it. (B) a sitdown chicken dinner and cash bar,..($25 check). (C) Roast Beef dinner, sit down with appetizers, and open bar ($100 Check). (D) Very quick elopement last week reception this week,…a copy of Dr. Spock’s  “Raising Children in todays world” with a nice wedding card. (E) a Co-workers Wedding- a couple of sex toys and a good bottle of Cabernet, (F) Your bosses daughter/son’s wedding, an engraved silver service tray, with a $8 wedding card, with a $50 check inside (inclusion of, or amount of the check is directly proportionate to how much you want to keep the job). This puts you in the level that sucks the most money out of you, and if you don’t “do it right” by monday afternoon the word will be all over town, the state, and half the bloody country what a smuck,cheap bastard you are, for which your wife will be sure you pay for becasue she is the laughing stock at 1. The garden Club,2. The gym or 3. The Church ladies committee.

     The “Old Fart” level – where they know because of your digestive tract problems you won’t eat much, and becasue of the high blood pressure and diabetes you sure as hell won’t drink much, and becasue you’ve reached this age you got nothing left worth shit to offer for cash or a wedding gift, and becasue they know little Johnnie or Mary absolutely HATE IT when you pinch thier cheeks and tell them you used to change thier diapers and all that. Sort of a parents final “GOTCHA!!” for the kids. Women, be sure to get a big bottle of the really obnoxious perfume at the Dollar Store, and guys, don’t shave for three or four days and really hug those young chicks, it may be your last chance! (The not shaving clearly allows you to see which ones you already “bagged” by the red irritated skin on thier cheeks, so you don’t waste time and get them all.)

         An that’s your “Lifetime through Weddings”. That’s why old geezers in the rest homes are just a rockin’ and a smilin’ , and love the tune “Memories” from Cats.

        Have a good weekend!

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