The Emerald Rose

       

    Well faithful readers, (Both of you. Only kidding! It’s Christmas time already,…lighten up a bit!)

      In light of the difficult period of time we are going through in the United States, what with the Economy in the crapper, the financial markets paying us to borrow money, the  world getting sucked in behind us, the General Elections we just finished in November, electing Barry Obama as President of the United States,….and the increasing price of Guinness, and the conspiracy between my wife and my Doctor to have me become a “grazer” instead of a real man, a “Burger ‘n Fries kind of Guy, and to maintain my own sanity as well. I decided to write a Christmas Story for you for 2008. I was going to name it after an old rock tune by Barry McGuire, “The Eve of Destruction”, but who knows, there might even be some “kiddies”, or “Rug rats” as they are known here in “The Pit”, whose parents forgot to put on the “Parental Guidance Filters” on their computer, and the kids are reading,…so I toned it down a bit,…ENJOY!

 

Part I of  IV (That’s not Roman Numeral “Four”, but “IV” as in by Christmas Eve you’ll be in bed with an Intra-Venous line in your arm, dripping valium, and Guinness, just like mine! 🙂

 

    Chapter One – The Threat

 

  (Sigh) I guess that’s what to expect if you have a “Democrat with Hope” type Reindeer this year. I went out to the barn to check on the guys, Blitzen was half way there, so I took away his stash, but there was Rudolph, parked with his ass in the front seat of the sleigh, calmly doing his hooves with an emory board, with a damn martini sitting on the front rail of the sleigh!

        “Ok Rudolph, get down and get your act together, we’re on a 96 hour countdown at this point.”

        “We’re on strike,…no ones’ going anywhere.”

        I screwed up my brow and looked over my glasses at him and in a very low controlled voice and  said, “You are on what?”

         “Strike”, he says.

         “Since when are you guys Union?”

         “Since that dude Shrek stopped by last summer.”

         “Excuse me? You mean that big green blob that gave new meaning to ugly?”

         “Watch it chubby, libelling our shop steward is no way to start this negotiation session off.”

         “I didn’t realize we were negociating,…Mr. Rudolph.”

         “Well WE are. Me and the boys only have a few demands and they are NOT negotiable, but we will listen to your counter proposals before we ignore them.”

         “And if I don’t agree to your ‘demands’,…what then?”

        “Can you say ‘Sour Milk’, ‘moldy cookies’, and ‘screaming rug rats’ all over  the world,….I can assure you it will not be a pretty picture.”

         “Well before you get too deep on my “Coal List” ,  just for arguments sake,…what are these ‘demands’?”

         “We want draft beer, a good import like Guinness perhaps,  put in the Reindeer’s  Lounge, no more of that cheap off-brand stuff , you’re getting at the Dollar Store, in the dented old tin cans. Shit, we have to mix it with our grain to even get it down without hurling.”

         “Oh, I see. Are you going to give me a list when we’re through or do I need to write these down?”

         “Donner used to be an administrative assistant at “Queer Eye for the Straight Reindeer”, so he’s taking it all down and will give you a copy as well as our agent and our attorney to prepare the necessary written agreements.”

        “Oh, your ‘Agent’, and who would that be?”

        “Her name is Barbie.”

        “The one like the Doll you mean?”

        “None other, It actually  is “Barbie”,..look at the deals and promo’s she cut for Ken, he was a nothing before he hired her, and “G.I.Joe”.”

        “So what about the Lawyer? Who’d you get to represent you?”

        “Ever hear of Ralph Belmont?”

        “No,…should I have?”

        “Figures. Let me give you a clue or three here. All he wanted for Christmas when he was a kid was a Genuine Red Ryder 100 shot BB Gun,….but his folks said NOOOOooo! Because they thought he’d shoot out his eye. Sound familiar?

       “Ahhh,…I’m not having any big ephiphany here.”

       “Well how about his crazy Dad, the craziness over that embarrassing “Leg Lamp”, what an embarrassment for the whole neighborhood,…any lights popping on?”

       “You’re not talking about the family with the Aunt, was it, who gave that poor young boy the “Pink Bunny Pajamas with the feet and the ears on them and all were you?”

      “You got it now oh Bulbous Nosed One. and let me tell you, even thirty years later he still is carrying the grudge on the BB Gun.”

      “This is crazy, since when do Reindeer have rights?”

      “YO!! Your Chubbiness, as a down-trodden minority we were given Hope, after last Christmas, a real Hope for Change in the World. We hauled campaign posters all summer long for Obama, and who the hell do you think was responsible for dropping all the confetti and all on Election Night,…the tooth fairy?”

       “Your kidding right?”

      “Just you wait until January 20th. After the Inauguration you’ll see rights, and when the wealth is re-distributed you won;t be scootin’ out of anymore Capital Gains taxes or ridiculous depreciation expenses. Just how many times have you depreciated that sleigh anyway? There is a new broom sweeping clean your silly red-suited one. Not only that, BUT there will be over three million new jobs created, in a country with NEW Hope for Change. Some of the guys been thinking about a Career Change. Dancer’s been talking about trying out for Broadway, and old Prancer has a line on a very profitable Gay Bar in San Francisco that he’s got a connection that will back him on, Vixen is heading for Vegas, figures they need a Reindeer with ,…ah you know , ..ah know how, to help bail out the Brothels being hurt by all that Evangelical Television stuff, and the other guys all got career ideas as well. So don’t be looking for us next Christmas, and in fact this year if we can’t come to terms here,….got it Paunchy One?

        “I need some time to think on this, it’s quite a shock you know?”

       “We’re reasonable Reindeer, I’ll have Donner run the demands by your nice warm “palace” after we’re through here in the damp , drafty , cold barn. Just leave the front porch light on for him,…Oh yeah and chain up that damn Pit Bull you let roam around the yard.

       “This is very disturbing. I’m going to have to talk with my council after i see the demands, and then get back with you in the morning.”

       “Who you using for a law firm?”

       “Oh, McCarthy, McCarthy, O’Brian and Lebowitz.”

       “Figures, We’ll chat in the morning.

-30-

         Stay tuned for tomorrows exciting Blog, “So who was driving when Grandma got run over by a Reindeer?”