Posted by: guinness222 | December 22, 2008

PtII – “We have no knowledge of that , your Honor.”

 (We left off yesterday with Santa going home to await the written demands of the Reindeer from Rudolph that evening. As it would happen, even though Santa tied up “Sicum” his pet pitbull in anticipation of Donner’s delivering the demands,….well he got loose,..and well,…the demands went with Donner to reindeer heaven, after he bled out. Santa didn’t know what to say, but his property was posted, per the Attorneys advice, and it was late ,…so he went to bed hoping tomorrow would be a brighter day.)

  RING, RING, RING,….(Santa reached over for the phone, it was only 10am, who would be calling at this un-Godly hour he thought?)

       “Ah unh, Hello?”

       “Yes is this Mr. Claus, …Santa Claus?”

       “Yeah,…who is this? And do you know what time it is!”

       “Mr. Claus, this is Ralph Belmont, Attorney at Law, calling on behalf of my client ,….ah let me see it’s right here,…Ah, yes ,…a Mr. Rudolph Reindeer.”

       “Ah yeah, he told me you were representing him.”

       “Well Christmas Season and all I usually do a little “pro bono” work this time of year, and Rudy seems to have a very strong case on this matter,…hence my call to you. We would really prefer to avoid litigation in this, but of course that is all up to you.”

       “This is ridiculous! just drop this whole thing and move on,….being sued by a bunch of dysfunctional psychopathic reindeer is ludicrous, particularly now with only three days until Christmas.”

       “Well, you are entitled to your opinion, but I must caution you, the case is not going to be litigated on emotions, but pure hard legal concepts, statutes, and case precedence.”

       “What damn precedence, they are only damn reindeer, not people!!”

       “Well I sincerely hope you remember that  you said that on the stand. But just to enlighten you a bit, perhaps you remember one of my other clients, and his “friends”, Alvin Chipmunks, and his brothers?”

       “You mean those little furry rats with that stupid Christmas song that tried to replace Jingle Bells and Silent Night,…that travesty of the music arts,…you mean that Alvin and the Chipmunk’s?”

       “Exactly, and the reason you’ve not heard much from them is because i was able to extract a $450 Million Dollar settlement for them against the Record Industry, Billboard Magazine and every single retailer that sold the record and every Radio station that played it. Largest Legal Settlement in record industry history.”

       “What the hell for? It’s only a song.”

       Well “Dave”, I think that was his name, was convicted of belittling the Chipmunk’s ON the record, supporting allegations of animal abuse and slavery and mismanagement of proceeds against the Chipmunks. They were required to appear in public, dressed in silly little costumes, and held up to public ridicule. It was only when Cecil, the littlest one on the left on the album cover, dove off the San Francisco Bridge on Christmas night, and went to his maker  that Alvin, and his last remaining brother Barney made an appointment to see me. From there it was Animal Legal history, and Animal Rights were affirmed, and endorsed in the Democratic Congressional Minutes during the Obama Administration. After many months of private therapy and counseling Barney is almost ready to begin living a public life again, Whereas Alvin has fared much better, and retired to Southern France in a Villa in San Tropez, a bit of a recluse, but he still comes out and supports his fellow animals at the fundraisers. Great sense of philanthropy, that Alvin, a gorilla among monks, you know?”

       “Listen, you want to go there, then go for it. We have a solid defense here according to my Attorney Morgan McCarthy of McCarthy,McCarthy, O’Brian and Lebowitz!”

       “Something that surely shows your compassionate side I’m sure, free Oats on Saturday, or  extra “Salt Licks” during the snowy period?”

       “Compassionate yes,….We’ve been covering for Rudolph for almost four years now in the “Hit and Run” incident, you know?”

      “Ah,…what  “Hit and Run incident”, I mean “alleged” incident is that, I’m not aware of anything about that.”

      “Well ask YOUR client about it. You might be surprised at what he tells you.”

      “In the interests, and let’s even say potentially criminal aspects of the law,that this is something realistic as you alleged, tell me your side of this “incident”. ” 

      “OK, here’s the straight, true story. Back in ’04 Rudolph was becoming a real “uppity” reindeer, always wanted more than the other reindeer. Sure they all ridiculed him at first when he was born , what with the HUGE red glowing Snooz. I mean it looked like a mega zit about to explode, eeeeew who could blame them. But then in ’02 we had that really nasty foggy night, you know the one Al Gore is always yapping about that was indicative of “Global Warming”? Well without Rudloph that night with his glowing ‘honker’ we would have been taking a ‘dirt nap’ for sure. Then all the reindeer loved him and they shouted out with glee,…but it all went to his head. Now he wants more than anyone else, a special stall and private paddock area,….I mean he’s becoming impossible, and….”

      “Ah Mr. Clause, I bill at $500 an hour can we get back to the “true” story here, all of this is strictly conjecture.”

     “I thought you said you were doing this ‘pro bono’ for him?”

    “Oh I am, but per the legal guidelines of the 23rd District court, the prevailing party gets to pass along the appropriate fees that WOULD HAVE BEEN incurred to the losing side, which would be you!”

     “Hmmm, ok, I see. Well we were over Dothan, Alabama,  heading into Destin Florida next, and I was having a tough time getting the new copper still down the chimney, so I had to go down and try bringing it in the front door. Billy Bob and Cletus had been especially good that year, never got caught making “shine” and ,…well, that’s all they asked for was a new copper still, you know?  Oh, I’m sorry, I’m getting distracted. Well there I was struggling to get it in the front door and I hear this noise and what to my wondering eyes should appear but seven little reindeer pulling my sleigh and Rudy in the front seat trying to steer them! That idiot had never even asked for lessons, he just went and grabbed the reins and did the “On Dancer, and Prancer, and Comet, and Cupid , on Donner and Blitzen, and oh,,,,,,, hell you know the rest of the boys,…and off they go, they are only stupid reindeer, I mean not one of ’em has finished high school! So off they go careening off trees and rooftops! I mean I’m watching that idiot try and control a whole sleigh full of presents and all. Let me tell you it was scary as hell.”

       “And then what?”

      “Well I yelled at him, you know, I was really pissed. I said “Rudolph with your nose so bright get that freakin’ sleigh back here,…like NOW you idiot!”

       “And did he?”

       “Well the idiot put it in a sliding turn with a 40 degree drop and , well, he might have got away with it with no presents, but he came down on the street about a block away. I’m sure he was quaking in his boots and he whipped the reindeer up the street trying to get it back to Billy Bob And Cletus’s place. I mean I don;t know whether he saw her or not, but there was this little old lady walking along and she decided to cross the street,…and well he hit her, not only hit her but bounced her almost 100 feet in the air, and she came down about twenty feet ahead of the sleigh, which he did not stop, and well this time he went right over her, all reindeer hooves, the sleigh, everything. Well I knew she was a goner, and we still had all those stops to make, so we took off. Rudy was a blubbering idiot the rest of the night, good for nothing, you know? And it wasn’t til about a week later when we were all calmed down and sitting around the fire with Tequila Shooters and coffee when the song came on,….”Grandma got run over by a reindeer, happen out front the other night,…” Rudolph came over and offered to lead us every year until he died if we would just keep quiet and not tell anyone, you know?”

        “And you did?”

        “Sure, you know what they would have done to him in a Georgia Court for running over a granny? Shit he’d be burgers at the County Farm by sundown. Reindeer Chili with the leftover, and as despicable as it was NO animal deserves that kind of final treatment, except hand rubbed Kobe Beef of course.”

        “Well this is a totally new development. I’m going to have to meet with my client and discuss our options on this matter, so for now we will just put things on hold and I’ll get back to you.”

       “Look, I don’t want to be pushy, but Christmas is only 72 hours away, if I don;t get these damn reindeer exercising and practicing on the sleigh, well we aren’t even going to make it to Toronto before they all burn out, then no Christmas for anyone outside Canada. Do you want to be responsible for that?”

        “The best I can do is discuss it with my client and get back to you in the morning, will that suffice?”

        “Well it will have too. But look, let’s clarify a point here, “my” morning doesn’t start until noon, I’m in training now myself for the Christmas Eve run, so don’t call until at least noon. OK?”

        “That will be fine.”

       “Oh and I’m going to have my Attorney Morgan McCarthy call you and let you review the evidence we have.”


      “Sure you didn’t think I was going to let that little snot reindeer turn this around and try an blackmail me later did you?”

       “Ah,…No Comment. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

-30- “Tomorrow, tomorrow, the sun will come out tomorrow”, (or there will be reindeer chops for dinner 🙂  Stupid Reindeer, I knew I should have gotten goats!


  1. Uppity Bastard! I would have had deer-chops the morning after the hit-n-run. You are too good to him.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: