The Emerald Rose

Santa and Rudolph were set go to Court today for mediation, and both were a little nervous, this being thier first time before a Judge, that’s if you don’t count the speeding  ticket in Ramblers Hollow , Mississippi back in ’78. Fortunately Santa had an extra flask of Jim Beam in the sleigh and the Trooper was a little to preoccupied in about twenty minutes to remember where he left his book of tickets, so he let them off.

        So as we enter the Court room the Judge is looking sternly down his nose over his glasses at Rudolph and he says to him,

        “Ah Mr. Reindeer, you are almost twenty minutes late. We don’t do late in my Courtroom, is that understood?

       "Ok, Ok , don’t get your pants in a wad, I overslept a bit. Working hard to get up and away tonight you know."

       “Mr. Reindeer, I am customarily addressed as ‘Your Honor” is that clear?”

      “Whatever Dude!”

      “That will be considered contempt of Court and I’m fining you a thousand dollars!”

      “Yo, Dude, I don;t have that kind of money, I’m just a reindeer, ….or maybe you haven’t noticed.”

       “Make it two thousand, and ten days in the can.”

       “You can;t do that,…”

       "Your Honor, my client is a little testy today because he and the other reindeers are being forced to labor under the worst of conditions every year, given no compensatory time off, no benefits, for either themselves or thier family, and what with this being the day before Christmas he is feeling inordinate amounts and degrees of pressure to perform without any additional recourse. We beg the Courts pardon for this outbreak."

         “Ah Mr. Belmont is it?”

         “Yes Your Honor, Ralph Belmont.”

         "Ah, yes, Mr. Belmont,…I have been inundated with telegrams, phone calls, more e-mail than humanely imaginable, personal envoys from every Head of state in the world, and even a call from Michael Jackson. It seems like Mr. Reindeer is making a mockery of his role in this Sacred Christmas Tradition. An unwarranted mockery at that."

          “But Your Honor,…”

          "Mr. Belmont, I spent most of yesterday afternoon familiarizing myself with this case, and I did a great deal of field research, unbeknown-st to any of the parties. I interviewed at least sixteen elves, three of the other reindeer, whom I might add were definitely not consulted nor claim alliance with Mr. Reindeers "union strike" idea, and I even had fruitcake and tea with Mrs. Claus."

           “But Your Honor!”

           “Sit your butt in a chair Mr. Belmont, I am ready to make my ruling,…”

           “But what about the evidence, my witnesses, our scheduled mediation?”

           "Surely you jest Mr. Belmont! I am here to uphold the law, not make new law. I am here for the betterment of mankind through justice, and there is no need to waste my time, Santa’s time, or even this insolent reindeer’s time fooling with this matter, or taking up Court time with such frivolity,…..therefore,…Mr. Reindeer I find for the Defence, and Mr. Claus. You will report to the stables, forthwith and in conjunction with your fellow reindeer, prepare to deliver Christmas presents to all the boys and girls of the world this night."

        “But Your Honor!,…”

       “One more time Mr. Belmont and I’ll shoot your eye out,…got it?”

       “Yes, Your Honor.”

       "Now where was I , oh yes. Now I can see where after that Herculean effort each year the reindeer would feel they should be suitably rewarded after the completion of thier rounds, therefore, and whereas Santa Claus traditionally goes to the Virgin Islands for three weeks afte Christmas, I am ordering Santa to take the Reindeer with him and Mrs. Claus, and to cover all the expenses of the trip for them. (There was an audible gasp in the Courtroom.) And furthermore I will entertain a motion to dismiss the contempt findings against Rudolph if Santa will vouch for him and agree to work more closely with the reindeer,…Mr. Claus?"

       "As you know Your Honor, I never wanted it to come to this, so I will vouch for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He has been an immeasurable help to us in getting the job done, and perhaps I’ve been a little remiss in my recognition of all the reindeer do to make this evening come off correctly every year,……"

       RING! RING! RING!

      “Excuse me Mr. Claus, I must take this call, so we will take a two minute recess everyone stay where you are, hold that thought and keep quiet. “Hello?”

      “Who’s that?”, Rudolph asked Ralph, and Ralph shrugged his shoulders.

      "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just spoken with the President of the United States, and he tells me that NORAD has just cleared the flight path for Sleigh 1645 from the North Pole to the World, so I hear by dismiss this Court and in the words of Clement Moore, "And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!".

      (P.S. Santa and Rudolph made nice, he even put Guinness in the Reindeer lounge, and Ralphie at age 42 found a very curious package under his tree which when he unwrapped it he found a Genuine Daisy Red Ryder 100 shot BB Gun and a note that said, “Don’t shoot your eye out!”and it was signed “your friend Rudy”)

         (A Merry Christmas to all and I hope you enjoyed an updated story. Maybe I’ll update a few more classic situations in the future,….hmmmm, what can I do with Cupid?)

-30-