Posted by: guinness222 | December 27, 2008

“Life in the fast lane,….zoom!”

      At mid-60’s that means nothing. Fast is relative. About the only thing I do “fast” is ,….well, can’t think of anything I do fast,…..or slow for that matter. Damn I’m a certified couch potatoe,(or is that potato?)!

     Oh Yeah! Just thought of something I do fast,….think! I love to think. (Matter of fact it is virtually a lost art these days!) I’m thinking somewhere in the early 70’s some enterprising clown figured out that the human mind actually was extremely similar to the gearing of the automobile. Let’s explore this topic, shall we?

       First the “refresher”. The “guide” on the dashboard, steering column, F-18 “heads up fighter jet display” ,or whatever you got, on you motor vehicle usually shows, (I was going to say “in no specific order”, but shit we’d have a hundred thousand wrecks a day in “retirement communities” if that were true, so they are in a specific order.) gear registers. From left to right, (P) Park, (R) Reverse, (N) Neutral, (D)Drive, (d1) Drive 1, (d2) Drive 2 (God I love multiple choices) , and (A) All of the Above(only kidding, you didn’t;t get a defective transmission). Now we can safely, and accurately categorize most of the people we know into one of the “indicator modes”, i.e. P,R,N,D,d1,d2. So let’s see who falls therein.

       (P) Park – Usually the typical elderly , senior type, whose brain cells have , for the most part been “expended”. This is the “Dementia”, / Alzheimer’s mode. The (P) also stands for “putt-putt” as they soar down the freeway in the high speed lane at 22 miles an hour, (be still my heart). The “I know I came out here to go somewhere, and do something, but where was it?” group.

                  [ Editors Note: In days of yore the (P) mode was occasionally used for various gymnastic maneuvers associated with very low light levels, inside and out, steamed up windows, etc., but alas the cost of motel rooms has really become “affordable” to today’s younger generation, as has access to the “working parents” abode. (sigh)]

        (R) Reverse– That’s the “gear” for the upper end middle age, (particularly male, if you listen to the women) or the “CRS- Can’t Remember Shit” Group. It is most likely a fact that this male age group has more accidents moving in reverse than forward. Why? Because after decades of career development, acute awareness of competition, honing skills to “stay on the ball”, and “remain focused”, they are by themselves, looked in the mirror of life , and it is more important to “take out the trash” than blaze new ground in advertising and marketing. Besides you are in the “gotcha” zone, you are too old to go start over again, too young to grab your retirement, and too overwieght to chase chicks and stay out all night partying anymore.

        (N) Neutral – Ah this is my favorite, this is the “younger generation” or the “duh-ppers”. Their hearing acuity is gone,(no old fart surmises here, you figure it out), they focus like vaseline all over the lenses of your glasses, thier minds are still in the “7th high, when Jupiter aligns with Mars, and peace will rule the planet”, hence the blank stare when being re-dressed (used to be addressed, but since they don;t hear anything the first time it is now “re-dressed” or third, fourth, fifth, “Hey!!! Did you hear me?”) It is evidenced by a knowingly familiar vacant look into the ether layer contemplating  jelliclecats and the proper attire to go with successful  rapper  lyrics and a backwards baseball cap. Every discussion is , well,…like Star Trek, ” a bold new adventure, where no man has never been”

         (D) Drive– Ah, the mainstream of life, all the soccer moms, the little league dads, the up and coming “corporate guys”, the mainstream (oops! can’t call them Yuppies any more, perhaps, yeah, that’s it they will be “RD’s” or “reformed” Duh-ppers.) Talking incessantly about the hybrid, fuel efficient automobile and waste of oil resources as they lean against the big ass Cadillac Escalade and GM Denali’s and Yukons, and the new Ping set of irons and Versace dress and Manolo Blanco shoes. Ah yes the mainstream, giving new meaning to “upwardly mobile mainstream America”. Cha, Cha, Cha!

          (d1) drive 1– The upwardly battling group. Short on connections, short on education, short on money, short on grey matter, or, I’m sorry the “politically correct” vocabulary must have been on break, the “YOU OWE ME! group”. Ready at a flash to point to all that is lacking, or has been deprived from them, leading them to theirpitiful condition of life with no reasonable hope of overcoming their “challenged life” to seize the American Dream (without a sub-prime mortgage and the appropriate ‘bailout’ later).

         (d2) drive 2– And finally the “bottom of the barrel” group. Those who live in their cars, have nothing left BUT their cars, choose not be be part of the rat race, or in horse racing  parlance, have been “scratched” from the rat race. Those who are just not part of “our” society, be it by their own hand or ours, or our peers and leadership. This group, much like the (d2) drive 2 gear, are going nowhere fast, and enduring a series of “mishaps” at every step of the journey.

         So I’m sure you know folks in each “gear”, and I’m sure you know which “gear” you are in, and after all, isn’t that what it’s all about which gear are you in, and as my wife used to say when I had a standard shift vehicle, “Aren’t you going to shift now?”. It’s expected of us, after all someone far above our “job code” developed the gear configuration, we are just supposed to learn “how to shift correctly” , and not ruin the vehicle.



  1. I’m proud to say I’m in the R group…what ever that is. Why R? What group? Did you say something? Damn! I’m going back to the TV. Now, where is that channel selector?

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