The Emerald Rose

   My wife is one of those unfortunates whose birthday falls between Christmas and New Years, and everyone is just partied out, worn out, and “plumb tuckered out” (whatever that means.) And that usually includes me as well, so this year I decided to be different. Follow the tale I weave with interest, laughter, and NOW you will understand what I meant in my previous blog about the vein in your neck bulging out when you want to strangle the shit out of someone!

      It all began Saturday evening as I pondered what to get her for her birthday. But being one of the indigenous male of the species, with apparently no “female side” to listen to, I figured anything I bought would be just “ok”, if you know what I mean. So I decided, like the stealth military commander I could have been,  on a sneak attack, not only a sneak attack, but a two pronged one!

          First we’d do flowers, about $80 -$100 dollars worth (not that I can really afford that much, BUT my previously noted reason for not giving flowers for almost 43 years of marriage is “Honey, I love you, you are the light of my life, why would I even think about giving you something that is dying? If that’s what you wanted I could have got you a dead puppy or something, same thing.” (Ok ladies, stop sticking needles in the little voodoo doll with my name on it, I’m a guy, what do you expect? Sensitivity, political correctness, or the “rock ’em sock ’em “I love you woman!” )

       Anyway I called the 800 flowers folks, and did the deed (she’ll never expect them from me, heh, heh, heh.  (I won’t even get into the actual order, let’s just say that I could tell a woman “Me Tarzan, you flower lady, make it good!” BUT when you get a guy who starts with the “nasturtiums and baby’s breath, which would you like”,….well I’m not going there, maybe another blog.)

         Next I call her favorite restaurant, Stinky’s Fish Camp, and again don’t give me crap, I didn’t name the place, but she said it’s the best and freshest seafood and fish she has ever found, and NO it’s not a stinky place or anything of the sort, in fact it would get four stars easy, just a sick person nameing the place. I get all set up for a nice table, a great bottle of wine, a little romantic lighting, (boy I’m a glib devil on the phone!)

      A few hours later I get the e-mail confirmation from the flower dudes. So I go to bed slumber peacefully knowing I am a genuine all American hero tomorrow!

      About noon today I still had not heard from her. I invented a pretext and called, asked the obligatory “What’s new?” and got “Nothing”. Time to call in the special commando team and determine what the glitch is, ….Operation Birthday is falling behind, move it, move it, move it!

        Next is the call to the 800 flowers folks. I get some dimwit that asks me to hold while he checks on it, and then comes back and says, “Yup, we got the order, it will be delivered by 6:00 p.m. tonight as you asked.”

        “Yo, Looney Tune, what’s this “6 pm I asked” for?

        “It’s on the card sir.”

        “Looney, let me take a memorized slap at what’s written there, ok? How about it says ‘Happy Birthday, How about I pick you up for a 6 o’clock dinner reservation at Stinky’s this evening?’ Am I close?”

         “You are right sir. 6 p.m.”

         “Look, I’m not a rocket scientist, and damn sure you aren’t either, but I’m gonna make a wild guess here that you have a wife, a girl friend, a significant other,….whatever, would that be correct?”

         “Yes sir, a wife.”

         “Well if she received all these beautiful flowers at the exact same time she is supposed to be getting picked up for a dinner reservation , don’t you think she, being a woman and all, would throw an absolute nutty about not being dressed, no make up, etc. etc.? What do you think Looney?”

         “Yes, I see your point sir.”

         “Then get off the phone ,….fix it,…and get back to me in 30 minutes telling me it’s all fixed, and delivered or I’m gonna hunt you down and fix your ass!” (Ok so I should have read How to win friends and influence people,….I didn’t,… so there. Fear works just as well in this case.”

          I gave him my number and a 30 minute deadline, and told him my office was only fifteen minutes away from his, and I was still on parole but it would be worth the violation to maim him. (He was probably in some call center in a prison in Indiana or Mexico City, but he doesn’t know where I am, (evil chortle), but motivation is key.

         He calls back about ten minutes later to tell me they are definitely going to be delivered by six! (Did I miss “the rapture ” or something? Maybe those ear thingies they wear are in fact killing or frying brain cells!)

         I call him on the gaff again, and he remembers what we discussed. Now I’m ready to hunt him down. “Get your supervisor on the line, I want to talk to him,….NOW!” So I get hold for five minutes, then he comes back on to tell me his supervisor is busy and told him to handle it. (Again, does everyone at the other end of the phone in the service industry have “diminishing brain syndrome”?

        “I can put you on hold and call the florist again sir. They told me they are only a quarter of a mile from your house to their shop.”

        “Look, Looney, I’ve got a better idea, give me thier number and I’ll call them myself.”

       “We’re not allowed to do that sir, I will have to call them for you,..please hold.”

        “By now I’m planning devious and incredibly painful retribution on Looney, twice what he gets for his supervisor, and an appointment for the florist with a wood chipper. I’m pissed!”

         “Sir The florist said she would call you right back sir, I gave her your number sir.”

         “Looney, first thank you, second find a new career, goodbye.”

         RING, RING

         “Hello?”

         “This is Mary Jane from the Florist sir, and I’m waiting for the truck to arrive with the pink vase, and then I can have it out in less than 15 minutes to your wife.”

         “Well, Mary Jane was it? Don’t you have any other vases there, blue, green clear, yellow, I don’t care.”

         “The arrangement you chose calls for the pink vase sir, it just wouldn’t look right with another color. The truck should be here in about 20 minutes, I just talked to the driver.”

          “OK, I’m not a hardass, but here is the drill. IF what you are telling me is correct, and I don’t know you well enough to know if you are lying to me or not, in 20 minutes you’ll have everything you need to make it happen, Right? Well I’m going to give you an additional twenty minutes to have it out to my house and in my wife’s hands, is that fair or what?”

           “Yes sir, if the truck,…..”

           “You need to understand shit rolls down hill. I call the 800 number and place an order in good faith, hill #1, I call to see the status and Looney is about as helpful as poison ivy and dumps me to you, hill #2. You call the trucker and he tells you twenty minutes, you accept that, hill #3, you tell me twenty minutes and you can have it to my wife after the truck comes in, hill# 4. If you follow my drift you are sitting at the bottom of the last hill. You do understand that, right?”

            “Yes sir, but I have no control over the truck,…”

           “No you don’t but if he lies to you, why would you want to lie to me,? Wouldn’t you want to strangle him for making you look bad?”

          “Well,…”

           “It’s 2:30pm now. By 2:50 you should have the vase, by 3:10 you should be pulling up to my house, by 3: 12 you should be calling me to confirm you delivered the, and by 3:15 she should be calling me to tell me how thoughtful and loving I am. Badda Bing, Badda Bang, everyone goes home a winner, ….make that the reality. Thank you.”

           I hang up and go back to my e-mails, then I find out my accounting program does not work, because “Ace Techie” couldn’t get it to work without screwing up my e-mail program (Don’t ask, it doesn’t make sense to me either!) But he said he’d be back first thing this morning,….another liar! Maybe I’ll simply wire the keyboard to a 220 outlet and let him get jolted into reality, in his case not a brain cell will be harmed since they are already long dead! What is it with people and the holidays? Do they all send thier brains to the Mediterranean on vacation?

            RING, RING.

            “Command post, go ahead.”

            “Ahh sir? This is Mary Jane sir, I just delivered the flowers and am pulling out of your driveway to go back to my shop, She seemed to really like them.”

            “Thank you Mary Jane, have a safe trip back to your shop, I appreciate your special efforts to get this corrected for me. Have a nice day. My wife is calling on the other line now, goof bye.”

             “Hello?”

             “Hi it’s me, the flowers are beautiful, I love you.”

             “Good, Happy Birthday. Did you get the card with them?”

             “Yes I did, but we don’t have to go out to dinner tonight, the flowers are plenty, besides I still havew a ton of invoicing to do today and a six o’clock dinner would really be pushing it.”

              “Are you sure, I could try and push it back a bit.”

              “No, how about a rain check on dinner?

              “Ok, if that’s good with you. See you when I get home, and Happy Birthday again.”

              I guess alls well that ends well, saved a hundred bucks missing dinner, guess I can afford two pints at the Pub on the way home tonight. But I am giving serious thought into becoming a monk and avoiding all the damaged human units in the world. Prayer, contemplation, soup and dry bread everyday, oatmeal for breakfast,….you know that doesn’t sound too bad.

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