The Emerald Rose

      Sorry, I couldn’t start without a quote from Hamlet, …well, what he really meant to say then anyhow.

         I came a cross an article yesterday on CNN relative to male depression. (Oddly enough it was written for women to read because it was titled, “Eight signs your man may be depressed.” Screw it I read it anyway!) It talked about the “8 signs of Male Depression”, I only have about 11 of them, but I wouldn’t call myself “depressed”, or maybe I am. We’ll do this in a “Point – Counterpoint” method.

      In fact let’s let you score it for me. A simple “Yes” or “No” by point, based on your reading of my blogs, and the way I act and “speak”.  (OK let’s start by being honest, you guys are a lot cheaper, (oops! I meant “economical”) than some Dink Doctor who really doesn’t give a shit and after sixty minutes of “I see”s, and “How often do you feel like that”‘s pulls out his little prescription pad and says something like, “Here, take two of these a day and come back next week for another hour (at $125 an hour of course!). Ready here we go;

   “Though the stigma is lessening, men are still far more likely than women to let their depression go un-treated. Blame it on Rambo, Brando, or the lure of the martini, but many guys still aren’t getting the help they need.

     As the traditionally stressful, dark days  of winter set in, here are some signs that the guy you love might be suffering from more than a loss in fantasy football.

  Point 1.  Substance Abuse: Has he been drinking more beer than a pledging freshman? Has his “usual” dinner cocktail spawned three? Often an increase in substance abuse – this includes cigarettes, recreational drugs, and caffeine – cna be a desperate attempt to self medicate or cover up unpleasant feelings that are gnawing at him.

         Counterpoint –  Well DUH!! Of course, but what else am I gonna do? Go home and write a blog and bore the hell out of everyone else? I tell you how I feel and you get all pissed and tell me stop being so “negative” Let’s just drop it and open another bottle of Shiraz for me, will you. Never mind I’ll do it myself.

  Point 2. –  Unhealthy eating – We all have our baked chicken days and our nachos-by-the- truckload days, such is the fluctuation of normal eating. But if you see an increasing pattern of junk food bingeing, overeating, skipping meals or loss of appetite, these disruptions–and the weight changes that go with them–can be telltale signs of stress and depression.

      Counterpoint – Frankly Charlotte, I don’t give a damn. Food just doesn’t have much taste to it, I’m skipping breakfast and lunch so my ‘metabolism’ will start eating some of my body fat instead, but those little fat cell bastards just keep multiplying. Excuse me, The Mac Donalds Drive through guy told you to wish me a Happy New Year? Pass the cookies will you. Chocolate Chip ones go great with Shiraz.

  Point 3- Sleeping Changes – While some depressed people want nothing more than to snooze the day away, others lie awake at all hours. A change in sleeping habits, in either direction, can sometimes be a warning that a storm is brewing.

  Counterpoint – So I’ve been going to bed at 9pm, I’ve been doing that for the past six months or so, there’s nothing on TV, and you’re lost in that Suduko stuff. Sure I’m asleep in less than five minutes, I’m tired, that’s all. And yeah, I wake up at two a.m. The cat wants to be petted then, so I pet him until I fall asleep again, about 3 or 4 am. But I’m up at 6 am every day aren’t I? I’m not depressed or anything.

    Point 4 – Irritability – Perhaps he’s taking that cocky waiter a little too personally, or he’s road-raging like a raging bull. Though many people associate anger and irritability with everything BUT depression, there is real evidence that edginess and grouchiness —  especially among men–can signal sadness beneath.

     Counterpoint – Bull shit! I am just fed up with the idiots that left their brains at home and they won’t go any faster unless I climb right up their ass, and on their damn bumper, (stupid old farts, the pedal on the right is gas,..try it, and experiance something new!) And I’m the most even keeled person you will ever meet. Maybe you need to adjust your attitude once in a while, you ever think of that?

     Point 5  –  Changes in Sex Life – If your usual stallion has morphed into “My Little Pony”, it might be a temporary dry spell. But if it seems to last a longtime or the change is quite dramatic, this could mean  that his mind is too preoccupied to let his body get his groove on.

     Counterpoint – Look, I’ve got a lot going on, at my age the new sport at the office is called “dump the old guy”. I’m trying like hell to stay up to date on all the damn technology, but shit, it’s harder and harder to memorize all that shit, and I gotta see stuff on paper to totally understand it, I can’t ‘scroll right, scroll up, scroll down, shit I want to see the whole spreadsheet, so I can fully understand it, and make notes on it and all. I am exhausted and tired and 99% of the nights  I don’t even hear you come to bed, and when I roll over next to you in the morning  instead of “Hmmm, I love you” the first thing I hear is “Do you know what time it is?” “Hell yes I do!” It’s the only time of the day that all this shit is not closing in on me, and bothering me.

   Point #6 – Not taking care of himself: Getting familiar with the sight of track pants on your loved one is the reality of any deepening relationship. But if showers, shaving, and bothering to find a shirt without the hot sauce stain have become a thing of the past, this could be a sign that his internal world isn’t looking so good either.

    Counterpoint – We’re in our own house, who gives a shit if there is tomato sauce on my comfy shirt? No I’ve been shaving, but I’m using that electric razor, much less fuss, takes leee time and all. No it doesn’t do as good a job, but who cares, I don’t look like a total bum. So what if my shirt isn’t ironed, I’ll just throw a sweater over it, and the grease mark on the pants pocket is from the damn car door yesterday afternoon when I got out. I’m not going to change a perfectly clean pair of pants just because of one spot on them, gimme a break, it’s not like I’m the centerfold for “Bum’s Across the Country”. Cut me some slack here! 

      Point #7 – Preoccupied thoughts: Maybe he can’t stop dwelling on what went down in that staff meeting, or he seems paralyzed by the showdown of tacos versus Thai for takeout. Increased worrying, severe difficulty making decisions, expressing excessive guilt or worthlessness are behaviors that should set off some alarm bells.

     Counterpoint – Look, I gotta work there, you don’t, and frankly I don’t give a shit if we have Chinese or BBQ for dinner, just call it in, get what you want and tell me when to pick it up. Just get me my usual stuff. Of course I know the mortgage is due and the increased Condominium Fees are starting next week, I gotta figure out how to pay them, That’s all. Maybe my money tree in the yard is ready to be harvested again, get off my back, I’ll take care of it, I always do. Yeah, I know it is due tomorrow. What do you want me to do, you can’t get blood from a rock, you know?

    Point #8 Loss of pleasure – If your usual “gym rat” is becoming “one with the couch”, or your die hard “news junkie” has started letting the papers stackup unread, take notice. Losing interest in things that used to cause joy–without replacing them with anything new–is a classic symptom of depression.

     Counterpoint – Look, eveverything changes, so what if I used to read a novel a week and now all I do is buy them and stack them up on the table beside my chair. and who really gives a damn what’s going on it’s all bad anyway, but if I don’t keep up with it it might bite us in the ass, and yeah I’m tired, I just want to sit and relax before I go to bed,…yeah I know it’s only 7pm. What do you want to do this weekend? Me? I don’t care, I’m asking you. You’re always saying I never want to do anything, but what about you? I ask you and you can’t even answer my question, you’re always asking me what I want to do. My answer, nothing in particular, I can go play on my computer, head for the pub in the afternoon and watch a ball game and then we can go to the movies that evening, pick a movie you want to see, I don’t care which one.

          There you have it. That’s the eight points for telling if a guy’s depressed. Me? I’ll have to get back to you on that, I’ve got too many other things going on today and besides, it doesn’t really matter you know? I’ll just keep my head down and keep plugging, what other choice do I have anyway? Frankly, I think I may be a “tad” down in the dumps. I answered the points honestly, with a twist of sick humor, maybe, but there has to be more than this to life!

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        (Never really thought about depression, at least what I “thought” was depression. I don’t have any thoughts of suicide, I couldn’t stay in bed all day if you loaded it with blonde playboy bunny virgins. Not that kind of depression, but I am just beginning to realize there might, (note I said “might”) just be other “less costly varieties” available. Let me know where you are, or should I say “where your head is”, and I can take it if you want to tell me where I am. (I have a “delete” button, if I don’t like it.)

       Happy New Year to all!!

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