The Emerald Rose

    Anyone want a son? I got one you can have,…FREE. Back during the U.S. election process he had the unmitigated gall to sign me up as an Obama supporter. (It took months of all night sessions under the glaring bulb with interrogators whose faces I could not see because of the blinding light from the bulb before the Republican Party finally conceded I was still a good Republican, and a nasty hoax had been perpetrated on me. But I’m recovering now,….or at least I thought I was.)

       It started very inconspicuiously, a former member of my Rotary Club e-mailed me about dropping by thier house on a particular evening just to chat and share my ideas on where we neeed to go and what we need to do in this country to make it better. It was appealing, in fact very appealing. For those of you who really know me you know that when it comes to offering my opinions and ideas,…well I go down faster than a $10 hooker! But a little voice inside said, “ferget about it!”, and when that little voice sounds so much like a Robert DeNiro gangster,mob type voice, I usually listen. So I e-mailed my regrets with the usual, “unavoidable previous committment” line, and then closed with the ultimate  “this is not  blow-off line”, to “please keep me posted on the outcome and thoughts that come forward.”

       All was well for a couple weeks, then I got a group e-mail thanking all those who came to the meeting, and all kinds of warm and gushy comments on the upwelling of grass roots support and ideas for our country that can be forwarded “up the line” to “Barrack” as our contribution for “Hope for Change we can believe in” (Oh, oh!, I thought the election was over! And why am I getting this stuff, it wasn’t my team in the first place.)

      It closed with a plea to bind our wounds and all move forward together in a non-partisan effort to finalize the healing of our country, and the world and regain our reputation as a caring loving country who wants everyone to be fed, clothed, warm and healthy. (I had to hold myself in the chair to keep from jumping up grabbing my cat’s paw and starting to sway and singing Kumbaya! But I still have that deep inner strength, and did it.)

       Ok after a while I moved on with my life, until I got another e-mail asking me if I wanted to perhaps open my home to a local meeting of others for “Change we can believe in”. Are you freakin’ nuts? Liberal Democrats in my home, my “Castle”, my “Fortress of Solitude”? Never,…they’d take me away in the long white sleeve jacket with the straps on the sleeves, and you know what would happen while I was gone? They would “re-distribute my wealth”, (Liberal talk for “clean out your crib, we got a right to have a flat screen TV and computers like you got, and damn I’d be lookin’ pretty sharp in that leather jacket,….nice mattress too.”) So I fired off a reply indicating my oppressive schedule, vow to join the gym and work out, and attempts to more define and regulate my life with less “stress” factors, outside involvements, and meetings, in order to better control my blood pressure, etc., etc.. Got a nice reply about four hours later thanking me and promising to keep me informed as thins progressed. (That’s ok, because good friends because I, and only I, am in full command of the “DELETE” button.

      Then I got an “un-solicited e-mail” obviously written to 298 million other people as well, from Michelle Obama no less! She was inviting me to contribute $5 and they would enter my name, MY NAME, into a drawing where ten lucky people and their families would be flown to Washington D.C. to view the Inauguration as “special guests” of Barrack, have tickets to the “local” Inaugural Ball, private tours of the White House, and then be flown home, at no cost to me! (Hey you dudes gonna feed us too? I guess not, better bring a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, in case all they got is caviar and quail eggs kind of stuff.)

      Now it’s up to about three e-mails a week wanting my $5 donation. I suppose after the Inauguration I’ll be getting offers for FREE chance to vote in the House of Representatives and Senate as an opportunity to join in the “Change we can Hope for”. (You think they’d be pissed if I showed up for the Inauguration in a big old elephant costume?)

       I was going to fire off an ugly e-mail clearly spelling out my disgust with unsolicited mail, offers for “tea and cookie” meetings , and trying to pretend that “We the people” have anything to do with the operation of the government,…..but then I thought about it.

       I remember a valuable lesson, taught to me by none other that Don Corleone himself, God rest his soul (make sign of the cross here, and kiss the Holy picture). As he sat in the Garden with Michael and told him they would come after him. They would send someone he really trusted, and then they would assassinate him and decimate La Familia.

         Ah yes, if I were to fire off that e-mail I would be “deleted” from thier list, probably put on another list, a “watch list”, …eventually get a letter from the IRS telling me of thier intent to “review and audit” my records and income delarations from the day I was born, as a “routine compliance check”,….then maybe my monthly Social Security payment, which I am filing for in March, ..well due to the labor intensive requirements of rigid fact checking and adequate documentation of citizenship and eligibility to allow the payments to begin,….well the process should be completed and your first check in the mail to you by August,….of 2045! (Shit I’ll be over 100 by then, I’ll probably be sitting in a rocker six hours a day, sleeping another seventeen with one hour left to try and eat the gruel they serve, and clean it off my ears with the bib. What the hell would I do with a check then!

      And all because I hit “send”,…no I’m taking the Don’s advice, I’m gonna make nice, and keep my friends close, BUT my enemies closer! So where am I supposed to send the dam $5? (Now I truly know how Judas felt after he turned Christ over to the Roman Soldiers. It ain’t thirty pieces of silver even, it’s a cruddy $5, not even enough for a six pack (actually 4 pack) of bloody Guinness. I will not forget this. (And for all of you who like inspirational little stories and quotes to pass down through history on the great Patriotic struggles of our Naton, add mine.

       It wasn’t the damn $5 but the voice in my head of Don Corleone saying “I didn’a want this for you, I wanted Mayor Guinness, or Alderman Guinness, or Congressman Guinness, but neva’ , neva, “Don Guinness” It breaks my heart, truly, it breaks my heart you should be in this life as a Republican.”

 -30-