Posted by: guinness222 | February 12, 2009

“We are ‘laying off’ our kids!”

          Destin FL. News Release

                  In a tearful announcement today , before the three Kodak Instamatic cameras of the local newspapers, and grocery store coupon papers, and a Suduko for All Free tourist handout paper, Mr. Guinness of the famed “Guinness is Good For You” marketing and management firm announced the layoff of his three children.

            “We too have been seriously impacted by this downturn in our economy, and it’s reached the point where it has come to an ‘us or them’ situation.” He told reporters gathered in front of The Pub today. “It’s not that we don’t love and care for them, it’s not that we aren’t going to miss them, but…there is not enough coming in to the house now to provide Guinness for all of us. A reduction in the Guinness available to each of us in this troubled time is out of the question. We are on basic rations of Guinness as it is already.”

       Guinness went on to say, “The entire thought of depriving any human being of their rightful and necessary share of Guinness is like,…well denying them antibiotics when they are getting the flu,…or forcing them to drink Budweiser instead. It’s totally uncivilized, and reprehensible!”

       Mrs. Guinness and I spent many sleepless nights discussing this, and it was our sincere hope we would not have to lay all of them off, that perhaps an across the Board reduction in Pub prices of Guinness would make this decision a moot point,…but that hasn’t come to fruition. It was only last evening at a family meeting that we were able to break the news to our children. Of course we will try and support a vigorous “bridge program” for them as they move away, and that is the subject of this news conference. To announce the details of the  “Bridging Program” in hopes that the large number of parents required to reach the same difficult conclusions we have had to deal with will find solace and hope to create a “bridge to hope,…a hope we can believe in”.

       The normal two month “find your own place” process of separation will be increased at our cost, by 50% and a three month period of separation will be in place. We will then immediately be augmenting the traditional family dinner on Sunday with a “brown bag lunch” program on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It is our sincere hope that this will offset the transition from our washer and dryers to those of the local Laundromat for them. This program will begin immediately.

       Unfortunately due to the ads currently running , seeking to rent out their rooms on a monthly basis, for cash or Pints, we will not even be able to consider any “stays” of the moving out process.

       “We will however be taking the tax hit and re-designating their retirement funds and College scholarship Funds toward the “Happy Hour” process at the Pub, and seeing that they each have a pre-paid account in the amount of $100 worth of Guinness available to them during this transition period as well.”

         “This is one of the most difficult things we’ve ever had to face, and there appears to be no “bailout” in sight, but as American parents we must stand shoulder to shoulder with our government, whether we like them or not, and show the unity necessary during this period. It is our hope that this solidarity in purpose, this committment to support each other, and this personal sacrifice will remind all of us of  the great Democratic late President John F. Kennedy when he said , “Ask not what your country can do for you but what can you do for your country.”

        “I’ll take a few questions now. Helen?”

       “Yes Mr. Guinness, did you or Mrs Guinness know how bad this situation was several months ago?”

       “Helen, a great question. We knew that when Anhauser Busch sold out to that European firm that there could be a large sucking sound of  jobs and money leaving this country. But when they introduced that ‘NEW’ Great American Ale, it became very apparent they were going to ‘ramp up’ the process faster than we had anticipated. But we have been assembling the best minds and brew masters and working on an alternative to Bud with carmel coloring and a fancy label. John Quine, next?”

       Mr. Guinness, do really think there will be a recovery soon, and perhaps your children can come home, and a followup what if they move into the “boutique beers”?

       ” John, you’ve touched on a very deep and intense point there. We most certainly are hope filled, that there will be a recovery in our times, but it is more important that we stand together on this with our fellow parents and Guinness lovers. We can do nothing but hope that the rich, and deep truths about the Guinness Pint has been ingrained and is the cornerstone of the belief system of our children and overcome any personal animosities as a result of this regrettable action we have been forced to take. Bob Woodward?

       Mr. Guinness, with the vast downturn and the crumbling consumer confidence and subsequent closing of so many TGI Friday’s, Applebee’s and other chains as well as the locally owned restaurants, combined with the steady growth and up tick earnings reports of the MacDonalds and Kentucky Fried chains how does this impact the long range future advise and guidance for Guinness?

        Bob, you’ve got me drooling here, but I will try and answer that for you. Personally I like Guinness with a Big Mac and fries, and find it very refreshing. the ‘Two all beef patties, special sauce, onion, cheese, pickles, mustard on a sesame seed bun with a pint’ is a natural. And how could you hate the Original Crispy Kentucky Fried and the slaw without a good draw on a perfectly poured pint? The biggest thing we see that really needs to be accomplished is a severe liquidation of the drinking age laws, particularly with regards Guinness so MacDonald’s Kentucky Fired, Taco Bell and the rest will not have to be coerced into carrying Guinness on Draft. Let the children enjoy a pint, it’s a natural alternative to Ritalin and all those other drugs that we are pumping into our children. A good healthy “barley sandwich” never hurt anyone.

      “Thank you Mr. Guinness”

     (News Flash!! After this press conference Mr. Guinness went directly to the local Pub and proceeded to make a spectacle of himself, pounding back Jagermeister shots and Budweiser beers until he passed out ands was taken to the Hospital. Doctors say he had reached a point of complete breakdown and could not take it anymore. “Tomorrow he should be able to have visitors, but right now we are trying to stabilze  the room for him, and we may have to do an exploratory operation to determine the cause of the “pounding hammers” he said are in his left temporal lobe. We will hold another press conference this evening. Thank You.”

-30-


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