The Emerald Rose

    Aaaaaah, …the first weekend of spring break. My outlook on life gets considerably better. The average age of a female here changes from 78 last Saturday, to 20 this Saturday. The “snowbirds” are leaving, (“Here’s yourhat, and your coat, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!) and the “Spring Breakers, a/k/a “Girls gone Wild” are arriving in droves! (sigh) I remember when we would crowd eight of us into a four passenger car and drive non-stop(except for gas stops) for eight or ten hours, and be ready to party when we got there,….aaaah the good old days!

        The old joke about a virgin being an “ugly first grader” really has some truth to it. Now I’m far from a prude, and my heart can take a little “kick start” now and again, but if I collected all the bikini’s n the beach yesterday, and sewed them together, well,…..there wouldn’t be enough fabric to make a pillow case! Now again, I pop into my local Pub each afternoon after work for a pint or two, and that’s when they all start rolling in with their parents for dinner together. Every year there are more little vixens with their bikini’s (or really modified thongs and band-aids) with a pair of “flip-flop” sandals, and either a mesh (1″ holes) or “gauzy” beach “cover-ups” on coming in. The bartenders are working overtime wiping up the drool on the bar, and who ever knew women could be that catty about theirown kind?

        Well today I’m making a few extra bucks, ($22.50 an hour) hanging out at the pool at one of our clients being a “Bad Guy”, like this,

       “Excuse me folks, which address are you from here in the Association?”

       “1427 Rue d’bayou,..why?

      “Well my list shows you haven’t paid your association fees in six months ,…so you’ll have to leave the pool area.”

      “Excuse me, we will do no such thing,…who the hell do you think you are buddy?”

     “I’m the management company, and your Board of Directors have told us anyone who is past due can not use the amenities, i.e. the pool, the hot tub, the shuttle service to the beach, the clubhouse, nada, zip, zilch, nothing, so your options are considerably reduced here at “Happy Harbor Retreat”. Legally you can come on property, go to your home, and stay in it. But that’s it, if you owe us money. And legally I have the right to call the Sheriff’s Department and have you removed for trespassing should you create a scene,…..that’s sort of “who the hell” I am. Any other questions?”

      “Look you don;t have to get uppity about this, I’ll drop a check in the mail first thing next week, how about that? That work for you?”

      “No.”

      “Ok I’ll go get a check and bring it back tomorrow morning for you.”

     “No. In fact not to be a real stickler here, but a check may “bounce” after you’ve gone, and you’ve had the use of our amenities for the whole weekend, what then?”

      “Are you saying you don;t trust me?

      “Not at all sir, just that I can’t take a check, or let you stay until you are properly processed in the accounting department and cleared from my list, …which will be about next Friday afternoon.”

      “This is totally outrageous, I’mnot going to stand for this, who is your boss? I want his telephone number,….right now.”

      “It’s 123-456-7891 sir, that’s our office, but he won’t be in until Monday, so that won’t help you.”

      “Give me his cell number!”

      “Oh now I couldn’t do that, he has an expectation of privacy for the week end from business, and he would most certainly not be happy if you called him, because he would simply tell you I am the Boss here, and just doing my job, and my word is law today. And he’d probably be pissed at me for giving you his number. I think we’ve exhausted all the options here, so gather up your stuff and thank you for being so understanding.”

       “Now you are really beginning to annoy me.”

       “Sir, in my hand I have the most powerful weapon on earth, a two week old Blackberry 8350i “smart phone. I am tracked by GPS from satellites on this, and it even has a small voice recorder. So here is what I am going to do, I’m turning on the voice recorder, and here is what I am saying. ‘Sir, I have explained the position of your Board of Directors in this matter, I have explained my function and purpose as directed by the Board here today, I have answered your questions, I have shown you where it says on our list of past due owners you are seriously past due on the list which is less than 24 hours old and up to date as of the close of business yesterday, and I have asked you to leave. Having heard me record this in my Blackberry I am instructing you to leave the pool area and club house and return to your home. If you do not do this I will press the #3 button on this highly evolved “smart phone” and be directly connected to the Sheriff’s office where I will lodge a trespassing complaint against you ndall the members of your party. Do you understand these actions and the reaction you are provoking in response to your failure to act on my lawful instructions from your Board of Directors?”

        “This sucks. I brought my entire family down for the weekend to relax and have fun,…now what the hell am I supposed to do?”

      “Might I suggest take them all to the movies or the mall? Have a nice day.”

       (“Damn, I love the smell of napalm in the morning!)

-30-