The Emerald Rose

      Well boys and girls, I decided to get serious about getting a job this week. Now I have a job as CEO of my own little company, but since my only client said goodbye the end of July, and then had the “balls” to renege on their contract with my firm, and their verbal agreement to honor the contract when they left to pay my firm through the end of the year,….well I decided “enough of this elephant manure” so I went to my lawyer and told him go for the jugular. Send them a 10 day demand letter, if no response by ten days then file a lien against all the common area of the property and prepare a letter to all the homeowners telling them of the decision and the “why” of having been forced to do it.

       Since they were “the client base” of a small personalized “boutique” business which allowed me to provide them with all the attention it sort of empties the coffers. So I said” well, self just go out and get a job to cover those expenses and a few beers as well.

       Job seekers. Pay attention,….it’s absolute hell out there. Chaos is running amok, the life guard has most certainly been laid off on the Gene Pool duties, and we are ripe for a complete takeover by Martians!!

       Points to piss me off;

        Resume? Who the hell cares, ” We have our own form, and you have to fill that in, COMPLETELY”, before we will even agree to maybe, possibly, eventually call you and tell you we would like to see you. Just leave it at the front desk when you leave.

         Now there is also about a two page form, thanks to the a**holes in Washington in which you have to answer all these “needy” questions, have you ever received a “snap” payment, or a ” Tany preference” card? WTF?? How about that crap. Look you have a job, I’ll take it, you pay me and we all go home happy. (You don;t know how tempted I was to fill one of those damn things in with pure fairy tale fiction and see what happens. Like “NAME: Prince Charminelli, AGE: 1358,  CURRENT OCCUPATION: Reigning Monarch, JOB REQUESTED: Head Pillager and Raper,   ……but I controlled myself and just acted like the little herd animal I was expected to be, filled it in and gave it, and my resume, back to the manager, AFTER I had to go all over the facility to find her and then just got a blank stare, you know the “What do you want?” kind.

         What the hell, I’ll just try Walmart and Home Depot for giggles. They won’t even let you SEE a human being, let alone talk to one. You get directed to the “Employment Kiosk” a computer encased in a steel case, (so you won;t steal it I guess) at desk top height, no chair, and a touch screen that does everything in baby steps, “Are you looking for employment? Yes____ NO____”  How about I hit the “No” and tell them I’m trying to holdup the place, which register has the most money in it! At least a minimum of 40 questions later, ALL of which is on my resume in plain English, organized, neat, and clean It then has a gall to ask me if I would be interested in a management position! I smack the “Yes” button and another screen tells me I have to take a “personal assessment test” to go any further. I must answer EVERY question or it will count against me the machine tells me. So 75 Stupid questions later it tells me I more than passed and if they were any openings in the next 60 days I would be called for an interview, and if no openings happened ALL of the data I just spent twenty minutes inputting standing and typing into the damn machine, would all be deleted, to “insure your privacy rights”!! Holy shit batman, I get to do this all over again SIX times a year to stay in the hunt for a minimum wage job! No wonder Bank Robberies are going up and smash and grabs are at record levels.

       Oh, as to the “assessment test” questions,…how about “You hear the people in the next department talking and they are saying their supervisor thinks you are a loser. You would: A) Go inform your supervisor that your feelings are hurt, B) Go to the sporting goods department and snake a shotgun, load it and tell their Supervisor not to screw around with you, C) Call the Corporate Consolation line and let the counselors help you reach a comfort level so you can tolerate it, D) Just go kick the shit out of him in the break room

        I guess it sorts out the psycho from the wimps, or something but it took almost forty minutes of my life to fill in, get a computer screen that thanked me and promised to dump everything I wrote in 60 days (somehow I think they lie about that as well. Just wait three months and tell them you are the FBI and you want all the records from three months ago for applicants and I bet they “find” them! A**HOLES!

        Home Depot was the same, as were two Super Market food chains, the same questions, the same assessment test, the same government bullshit form for neediest. So after six hours I came home, kicked my cat, wrote three hours worth of hate mail, had a beer and settled in to enjoy re-runs of Law and Order and Criminal Minds.

        Anyone out there need a nice guy, well rounded, very experienced, even tempered, no felony convictions, only three traffic tickets in my lifetime, married 44 years three wonderful children, and NOT the owner of any handguns, rocket launchers, or Pipe Bombs? If so please go to my web site, fill in the appropriate forms, answer the necessary prerequisite assessment forms, and If I have an opening in my calendar I’ll have my computer call you computer and we can set up an electronic reach out convenient to all parties.

       OR you could just call me on my cell and say, “Hey. you really want a job, I got one for you.”

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     “A man seeks one goal:  success or happiness.”   – Aristotle (Greek Philosopher or bartender at Hooters,….I’m not sure.