Posted by: guinness222 | February 28, 2011

“How did it get to be February 28, 2011 so fast?”

           OK folks, another scientific hypothesis that was developed from deep within the bowels of the “Mr. Guinness Psychology Laboratory and Human Initiative Probings Institute“.

          Now Einstein was a certifiable genius, but Mr. Guinness ain’t no slouch either, BECAUSE I figured out something even more important than the theory of relativity! I have figured out what will forever be known as “The Life/Time Inversion Theory”. It is really quite simple,…… follow the thought process.

         In a nutshell, the older you get the faster time passes, until ultimately it appears that you are in a blur, then it’s “fade to black”. We were falsely taught that 60 seconds equalled a minute, 60 minutes equalled on hour and 24 hours equalled a day, 365 days equalled a year, 10 years equalled a decade, 10 decades equalled a century,…..well beyond that none of us really will ever go there so let’s just work on this “basic” time /life dynamic. Can you see the incongruities here? It is forever shifting between “specific time measurement factors”, in other words it would be like saying 60 feet equal a “ribbet”, and 60 “ribbets” equal a meter, and 16 meters equal a mile, and 13 miles equal a “fizzist”, etc. etc.

        The key number here is in the very begining one,… “60”…, an accident?  Me thinks not, for it is the relative number at which the onset of the “Life / Time Inversion” does indeed begin to move to its terminal velocity. While the duration of the terminal velocity phase is still under range and function determination, it is obvious to the human eye that it has begun. Aches, pains, the need to sleep more than the “usual” five hours to acquire sufficient energy to move through each life period (day) are all escalating at a base of 60 within the time inversion cycle, while the rest of mankind is within the “deca” (ten units per measurement); i.e. 10 years, ten decades etc, while the 60 “annual life cycle” segments have begun their spin into the blur of ” ribbet”s and “fizzes”. But translated into the vernacular for those non-science based folks out there,……..when you hit 60 time flys by much faster than a NASCAR driver looking for a parking space at Walmart! AND because you sleep longer, eat slower, drive slower, acquire additional time consumption factors, i.e. Doctors appointments, various biological testing protocols, “Pharmacy wait” syndrome, and other lifestyle changes,….well, the next thing you know you have to get “re-fills”, more testing, and more appointments. So all that is left is a scant opening in the day to watch two TV shows an evening, clean your dentures, double check your “bedtime” pills, and time to consume some soft nutritious food.

        So there you have it, the “time / life inversion theory”. (If on the off chance that the Nobel Prize selection committee should ask us to Norway for the next presentation I think we will decline as the six hour flight would make us the equivalent of 24 years older by the time we got there,….so I will ask them to simply wire the funds to my bank account (less than a simoultaneous twelve hour option) and I will record a video for You Tube that can serve as my acceptance speech. In the spirit of thanks and celebration, (as well as humility) I will record the video at the Pub and have several of my “bar buddies” in attendance,…..that is if they don’t have any Doctors appointments, automobile oil changes or other pressing matters that need to be attended to,….in that case my bartender has offered to cheer wildly, and even say a few words worthy of me getting the Nobel Prize for Physics and Most Likely to Succeed. Here is a preview of his acceptance speech for me, since I’ll be waiting for a prescription to be refilled, or in the “head”, also waiting for,…well we won’t go there.

        “You won WHAT??? No Shit!” Does this mean I get a tip today?”



        “Poisons pain you. rivers are damp. acid stains you, and drugs cause cramp. Guns are messy, nooses give, gas smells awful; alas you might as well live!”

         – Dorothy Parker, Writer and Poet … (with a little artistic licence by Mr. G.)

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