The Emerald Rose

I’ve been working on another blog that was basically very political and announcing my candidacy for President of the United States with the entire platform and the six points of the platform,….but over the past several weeks I have been getting more depressed about losing weight and that is thus the focus of this column.

As most of you know I had triple Bypass surgery two and a half years ago and that’s all doing much better,…..BUT I am slipping back into my old habits and watching the scale groan a little louder every time I step on it. Sometimes it’s response leaves me wanting to “stomp the s**T out of it”,..just for self satisfaction and then the little voices start with the old, “Well it is over two years old now and you know how prone equipment is to not be calibrated properly or work right after a year,…so go buy a new one it will probably show you weigh about ten or more pounds less than that old piece of junk you’re looking at now.” But that is a form of delusional thinking because the damn scale is right!

Much like the stockmarket “trending” is a big part of health, and I’m saying I’m trying,….but I really think I may not be. Oh I’m not pigging out on ice cream, cookies, candy, soda and all the other “bad things” , but I most assuredly could be doing a lot better, but then there is me and my foibles, eccentricities, or just plain “pain in the a**” attitude!

….and then there is “the nectar of the Gods”,…beer and wine. I think that may, and I really mean may be part of the problem. All the books, all the science, and all the practical part of knowledge,…even discounting the tea-totaling, anti-drinking nazis,…alcohol converts into sugar…….SUGAR BAD!! One of the three white poisons, salt, sugar, and bleached flour. (But I do so love them all! Logical argument number one: Would God have made them that good tasting if they were that bad for us, afterall we know rat poison is bitter as is cyanide and other poisons, but how can a agreat big cake with layers of frosting and covered with globs of Ice Cream be suicidal?…sigh.)

There are only two beers with less alcohol in them that I know of than the one I drink now, that  Miller 64, and non-alchoholic beer. And same thing with wine. Ever see a low calorie wine? It’s a pure product, at least the really good wines are I used to make my own and it was wonderful  even if I say so myself. But back on point.

I have learned to eat salads, albeit not the “purist” salad preference, so slivered almonds, dried cranberries and blueberries, and occasionally raspberries, artificially flavored croutons of garlic and onion, …I mean just vegetables on a plate, and I really don’t care which ones, (well not true, but more in a minute on that subject), it is obscene. Sort of like slopping mud on a ’55 Corvette, or wiping your nose on your sleeve at the symphony, or (don’t gag on this one) making “mashed potatoes” out of cauliflower. (South Beach Diet actually has a recipe for it,…YUK!! Gag a maggot!)

And none of the books allow for “taste” in a salad, just freaking calorie numbers and grass like stuff. I also consider myself an Islamic Salad eater, in other words “there is but one green and iceberg is it’s name”. In my entire life, well up til about ten or twenty years ago that was the basis for salad, not this other “stuff” they call “greens” , and while we are on it spinach is green yes, but who ever decided raw spinach was a good ‘salad green’?  Boil it, a few drops of vinegar on it and it ain’t bad, but to just graze on it,….DUH!

But I’m ranting. So I try another approach, if you don’t eat and you exercise a lot your weight should decrease as your body burns the calories and that evil “fat” which hides everywhere on your body. But NOOooo! According to my local health nazis and the books if you don;t eat then your body says “Uh Oh we are being starved, conserve, shut down systems and minimize metabolism, save what we’ve got boys or we’re all gonna die!”

If God thought Chicken was the way to go then why did he make them so small and ugly and not majestic and powerful, exuding awesomeness like a cow? There has to be a finite number of ways you can make that little sucker, but I think his cruel joke was making more of them than we could possibly consume in three life times.  (Choice here, a big red sizzling juicy 2″ steak on the grill, or that pale whimpy looking chicken brest?)

I guess as we get older it is the other systems that start breaking down on us and limiting what we can ingest without paying big time for it, one way or the other (literally). I have a very difficult time raving over “non-descript” taste, like fish, plain old chicken (because obviously the herbs spices, marinades and other stuff that makes it taste better “aren’t really good for you) The only fish I like is the Tuna that comes from a can. When we go out and I eat fish I am a really waiters nightmare. When I say “well done” on a fish I mean “WELL F*****G DONE!!  That’s totally dried out, nothing “translucent” or slimy looking, you can coat it, you can color it, but God help you if when I put my fork to it and anything “leaks” or “oozes” out,…it’s going back to be COOKED!)

One would think I am a picky eater, but I’m not. If asked how something is and I don;t care for it the term used by me is “It’s ok” (translation; do you have an old sweaty sock I can chew on to get flavor?” And if you ever hear me raving about how really good something tastes and how flavorful it is, well pay attention this must be on the “Food Police’s” list of bad things for you. Fattening, artery clogging, “gas” creating, “may cause vomiting or other unwanted side effects”, just like our prescription labels say today as well.

Same damn thinking behind it, sometime the pleasure ain’t worth the pain.

Ever meet a totally well adjusted pleasant and have vegetarian?

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest before I go back to my twigs and berries for breakfast. (No wonder I don’t eat breakfast until 10 -10:30 in the morning, I have to work up the courage to do it!)

Now if I could get a semi-annual liposuction rate and get rid of about 25 lbs at each session,…well what’s wrong with that. I don’t mind watching my cholesterol, cutting back my sugar to nothing, not using salt on my stuff, eating “whole grain” breads,…but (sigh) I like beer, and wine.  And we all know you can’t just have one beer and enjoy an hour of two of good conversation with friends. I’ve always admired those folks who go to the three hour “cocktail party” and don’t drink anything, wave off the h’or deurves smile and look like they are scared to death to get a drop of anything on their $500 blazer or tie.  A pair of shorts, a polo shirt and sandals and a comfy barstool, that’s what makes for conversation.

This week I have to go get blood work done for my semi-annual visit with my Doctor,…and I got a hunch I’m going to get the “high blood sugar” Yellow card, (hopefully not the Red card) but if that happens my hardest thing in life is going to be sitting in my favorite Pub sucking on an O’Douls non-alchoholic beer.

My Presidential Candidacy blog will be later this week after I eat a boatload of twigs and berries, afterall I exercise 6 days a week at the gym, walk my ass off, and really am sorta trying to be part of the program, ….but remember waterboarding was also a program !

“What is food to one man is bitteer poison to others. ”    – Lucretius

“Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

– Finley Peter Dunne

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