Posted by: guinness222 | August 23, 2017

Good Morning,….I’m Mr. Hiss, Cat Philosopher

          It’s 11 am, and I am just waking from my morning “meditation session” with my Master , Mr. Tom. I usually get so at peace with myself when I meditate, and with my world I tend to doze off,  (Surprise, Surprise !!, as my old friend Gomer used to say, but It’s almost lunch time, so my job is to sit quietly, and stare at my Mistress, Barbara, until my icey cold stare gets her attention. (She thinks SHE decides when I eat! Another fallacy in the cat world).
So why am I a “Cat Philosopher”?  Easy answer,  some cat has to do it, (no snickers or “yuk,yuks” please,) and besides, I communicate pretty well with humans, and even though they think I just doze on the couch at night I love to watch FOX News as well, Hannity is great, and then off to beddy bye for both  the humans and myself. A nineteen year old wise cat like me, really needs his sleep, and so do my Master and Mistress.

        Until morning, THEN, at precisely 7am sharp we’re all up for Fox and Friends)  I let Master Tom run the controllers, I just make sure he’s awake and the controllers are near, otherwise he may just go back to sleep. And that’s just the way a cat’s world turns! Until 7:30 when Ms. Barbara gets up to feed me. (Funny how easy it is for a 7 pound cat to become an “800 pound gorilla” sitting on her back at 7:20am, that gives her 10 minutes to rock ‘n roll before the “iced stare” and additionally a repeated chorus of “NOW!”(Listen carefully, “NOW”, sounds VERY close to “MEOW”, I’ve been working on my pronunciation as well.  In her ear is totally effective.

       So does that sound like just a “dumb pet” to you? Now on to the “philosopher in my soul”.

        Being a “pet” allows you the total unfettered ability to observe the human behavior, and when augmented with “fair and balanced” reporting, I, and only I have the luxury of time to theorize, contemplate, and develop my powers of analyzation to a sharpness that,….well I don’t even think Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison  had the time to get that  honed edge in their skills! (Pity I wasn’t born earlier, I could have helped them with that! You humans are so busy, lack focus, and your health habits are a mess,…TRUST ME ON THAT! The cat, like that cute little toilet paper dispenser “Mr. Froggy” see’s everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. (Sorry Mr. Eastwood, I loved that line!).

       Well time for my afternoon nap now, Ms. Barbara is upstairs practicing her choir parts and playing on her computer, Mr. Tom is “working, but he’ll be home to give me some “candy” (i.e. Cat treats) before 5 o’clock. (And we got chicken ones this week,….yummy, yummy!) I’ll be back shortly with today’s insightful human observations and today’s tip of the day”.

        Oh, yawn,.time to nap..stay tuned, be back when I wake up again. zzzzzzZZZZZZZ!.

        There,   I feel much more rested now, so let’s observe and chat, shall we? No one left me any food while I was snoozing did they? Oh well Ms. Barbara will handle that shortly, I may have to  break away and go up and sit in her office and just stare, in case she lost track of time playing mahjong or ‘kill the gum balls”, one of those stupid computer games. But when I’m just sitting staring at you people, you don’t realize how much that un-nerves them and breaks their attention span without me doing a thing! Just sit , quietly and stare! Always works!!

        Well guess I let “the cat out of the bag” to a degree, but there’s a lot more,…..We cats are very complicated.

        So today’s question, if you’re reading this, yes I typed it myself. (I’m rather proud of my manual dexterity and spelling! But I am only using 50% of my paws, that balancing act to us that other 50 is a very tricky thing, but I’ll keep practicing,….for me not for you! After all I’mONLY a cat,….right?) But why do you humans get so “into things that really don’t matter that much?

      First lesson: The closest thing to a cat’s thought process are Irishmen,….yes that’s right Irishmen. Listen to the lyrics in their music,….like “I’ll eat when I’m hungry, I’ll drink when I’m dry, and if the (sounded like whiskey, but I could be wrong) whiskey don’t get me I’ll live ’til I die.”, and they always remember the cat and usually don’t trip over us!

        You folks need to be a little more Irish in your outlook on life. There is life beyond work, and all the other “clutter” you have in your life. And by the way you’re weakest point is you take on too much “stuff”! It wears you out, makes you “cranky”, overtired, short -tempered, and no fun a lot of the time. Let’s be honest, that’s why my life expectancy is only twenty -twenty-five years, and yours is 75-90. I know you think it sounds wrong, you live longer, BUT as you know one year of “Cat life” is equal to five years of human life! That’s because we are relaxed and have learned to LIVE our life”, sleeping enough, getting our proper exercise, and that’s why we are about as “uptight” as a bowl of Jello! WE GET MORE OUT OF LIFE THAN YOU!!! Think about it til next time, ….and jot me a line, just hit the comment button below and bare your soul,…..after all, I’m only a mere cat,….right?

        While Ms. Barbara is still killing gum balls up in the office, ….guess I better go let her know,…..IT’S TIME TO FEED THE CAT, WOMAN,…..LET’s GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!


        Next time we’ll talk about YOUR habits and how they can be annoying, just want to give you a heads up on this stuff,….no extra charge!

August 23, 2017

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: