Posted by: guinness222 | May 15, 2019

“Cleanliness is next to Godliness” or at least it used to be!!

Remember eons ago when that was a statement you always heard from your Mother. “Always wear clean underwear in case you have to go to the Doctor or the Hospital.” One of those many pearls of wisdom from the old days,……but it is sound advice for today as well,……but it’s changing!

Yesterday morning I got up at 4:30am to go be #1 on the hit parade! Oh that was the hit parade of daily Hip replacement Surgeries at our Local Hospital. Seems like my old body was wearing out. This time it was the hip. The Femur bone, that’s the one that “connect da’ knee bone to da’ thigh bone was the offending part! That’s the bone roughly depicted as the “club” in caveman movies and cartoons. It has a rather big rounded looking bulbous end at the “thigh” bone, and fits perfectly in a “socket” in the thigh bone or pelvis of our bodies.

Now when God designed this marvelous joint he added sort of a “shock absorber” between the bulbous or ball shaped end and the socket it fit into! (May be we should have had God design our cars and truck,…he’s really talented at that sort of thing!) The shock absorber, or cushion is made of a material we all call “collagen”, anyway like everything in this humble world it wears out and then the bones just rub together, or “grate against each other”, like grating your teeth together, and we all know what happened then the teeth eventually will become just “stubs” and will “hurt like hell”! Same thing with the hip, only we call the process “osteoarthritis” and refer to getting to be “stubs” as “end stage Osteoarthritis”.

Not to be facetious, but how much would you pay for someone to “get rid of the stubs”and replace them with like “false teeth” or dentures, then there would be no more gnashing,…but I digress. When a Doctor diagnoses an “degenerative, end stage Osteoarthritis of the pelvic and femoral area”,…..well you’re looking for some expensive surgery, and in the old days weeks, and weeks, or even months in painful recovery, and selecting a new nickname, like “gimpy”, “Hop-a-long”, or the “old guy down the block with the walk-in’ stick”, during recovery, well you get the idea it wasn’t a pleasant experience back then,……but not so much anymore says I because that’s what I did Monday.

Brief description of the operation, they shave you in the “private area” ( left or right side depending on which hip is “actin” up, make a THREE inch incision, and work through that little hole! (One of the reasons the recovery is so fast after surgery is that they don’t cut muscles and tendons, which attach the muscles to the bone, they simply Stretch” or pull them aside to work on you) I had a “Full Hip Replacement”, which consists of two separate “operations” in the one procedure. They usually cut off the rounded ball, on the end of the Femur bone, usually its not round ,like a ball any more, but sort of “squished” into more of a football shape and causing you a lot of pain. Essentially they take a specially made artificial femur than looks more like a tent peg with the rounded top, and literally “hammer” it down into the femur bone with a rubber mallet, leaving the rounded end sticking out. Then they use like a grinder to reshape the “receptacle area” in your pelvic bone to accept an artificial “socket” for the “tent peg” to fit perfectly into, (which is usually ceramic these days) and yet does not grind either one down during almost of the rest of your life, and yet allows the “full range of motion” that the original “God Made in heaven” one was designed to do! (In usual cases with six pages of “exceptions, exclusions, and warranty provisions”.) Odds on collecting are slim to none because the “warranty provisions” are written by “Attorneys”, not “regular folks”.

They gave me a little “MJ juice” Propopyl, the stuff Michael Jackson OD’d on, which worked immediately, once again reinforcing my opinion that I WILL NOT BECOME A DRUG ADDICT,…EVER!! Then a “spinal” which is for something else, I wasn’t there for the rest of the party.

Next thing I know I’m in recovery, can’t feel from the waist down, but NO more pain!!! Once my feeling came back, about an hour to an hour and a half,…off to my luxury accommodations upstairs, in the Hospital, in a private room, with all the usual tubes, leads and wires you see on TV. You hang out there the rest of the day and eventually the next day they send you home.

Then the “visiting nurses” start coming three times a week, and of course the “Occupational Therapist” and “Physiotherapists”,……

It’s kind of like a computer “app” you are ALWAYS going to need updating!!!

But hope you enjoyed this one as well.

May 15, 2019

-30-

N.B. Almost forgot to tell you why the “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” comment.

But when I got to my final room, as I lay there in bed assessing the surroundings, I noticed that there was a Full Crucifix up on the wall. (It’s a Catholic Hospital so that’s understandable. Under the Spot the Cricifix was mounted was a 45″ Color TV with a bunch of channels, movies, news and weather stations, and immediately below that was the “clean up area”, a small hand sink, a wall mounted soap dispenser, the usual “Purcell” hand sanitizer dispenser, and paper towels, and a trash bin with a rack of four sizes of blue surgical gloves as well.

Ready for it? The axiom was wrong, it was totally wrong!! Cleanliness was not next to Godliness, the TV was,…..DUH!!!


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